A Butt Numbing Robin Hood Movie Review

Throughout my life, many people have retold the story of Robin Hood through film, TV and, my favorite, the classic Daffy Duck cartoon. It’s been a long time since Kevin Costner refused to use an accent as he took his turn with the bow and arrow, and since people in the states know little about the UK TV series (out on DVD now up to season 3 if you’re interested), the idea of an updated telling was widely accepted, especially with names like Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe attached. The film makers promised a truer version of the legendary story, and as they spoke these words, I could not help but remember the doldrums of 2004’s King Arthur, which was also touted to be factual…and very dull. It’s probably a funny comparison, but like the recent updating of A Nightmare on Elm Street, we’ve learned adding heaps of reality in a movie doesn’t always equal a good time.

Quick warning: There’s really no way to sum up this film without a few minor spoilers, so be warned!

We begin our tale with Robin Longstride (not as cool as Skywalker, but damn close) at the end of the crusades following King Richard the Lionhearted into battle until his untimely demise. Robin sees this as an opportunity to return home before all the disgruntled soldiers show up demanding payment for their years of service, so along with his merry band of 3, he beats a hasty retreat. Meanwhile, the film’s evil bald guy, Godfrey, has aligned himself with the French in a plot to kill the king and throw the country into chaos. So it is with auspicious timing that Robin and his men come across the ambush and ambush the ambushers…with arrows. Remember this because it is the last time you’ll see Robin hold his trademark bow and arrow for quite some time.

Now, clothed as knights, the merry men return to England to deliver the crown and be on their way with all the gold they took off the ambushees and ambushers, respectively, but Robin has one more task. It was the dying wish of brave knight Robert of Loxley that Robin deliver his sword to his father, and since we have 2 more hours to fill, off he goes. Upon delivering said sword he is convinced to take on the persona of Loxley so that Marion (Cate Blanchett) can keep her lands …and the people rejoice. YAY. At this point, you realize there’s a lot of story unfolding here and as you check your watch to try and figure out how long it will take to unfold and WHEN the people might actually run to the forest beginning their new lives as bandits, as promised in the trailer, we are dumped back into the royal’s plot. Prince John (looking waaay too much like the lion in the Disney cartoon to NOT be funny) is now King John and gives his good friend Godfrey the power to hit up the northern country for “taxes”, which he does with his Frenchie ninja squad. When I say hit, I mean that quite literally. Cue the Wilhelm Scream.

Five rowdy medieval times songs and four village dance parties later, we’ve only seen one raid on rich travelers to benefit the poor of Loxley amid the very slow, forced, inevitable romantic entanglement between Robin and Marion. It’s clear the film makers were trying to create something akin to Braveheart, but the empathy for these characters required just isn’t there to turn epic length to epic story telling. Crowe is very one note all through this film with a dour expression nailed to his face, even when standing before his new love. Blanchett saves the film a bit with quick wit and excellent acting ability, but she can’t get the job done alone. Robin’s merry men are barely introduced as Little John and Will Scarlet..and..that other guy who spends most of the film playing a medieval guitar like a rock star and bellowing out tunes to make the village lady’s dresses fall off. They’ve got MILES of charisma but are given very little screen time to pull it off. Then you’ve got William Marshal (William Hurt) who walks through the film as if he’s wondering why the hell they bothered to put him in a costume. Completely wasted talent there. This leaves us with King John and Godfrey, in separate parts of the film, off being evil asses in their own special way, but neither doing it with enough evil or flair to create a truly memorable screen villain.

Did I mention this film was 2 and a half hours?? TWO AND A HALF HOURS of dancing and courting and witty remarks and by the time we get to any sort of game changing battle, we realize there is still a war coming, as was advertised in the trailers!! It’s obvious the film makers put their heart and soul into this film, assuring the authenticity of an epic period piece. If there was any CGI in scenes, I never caught it. Just watching the horses charge into battle against the French, you’ll have cash registers sounding off in your head as it becomes obvious they spent a great deal on those shots. Never the less, without the emotional content to grab your audience by the heart strings, it’s all just pretty pictures. Granted, these are fantastically shot pretty pictures, but if you can’t keep a guy like me smiling (who loves anything medieval and is particularly enamored with the Robin Hood tale), then you’ve done something wrong. As it stands, all I'm left with now is the title song from the Costner version echoing in my head. I don't know why.

By the movie’s end, our characters are finally in the forest after King John has ushered his trailer bellow branding Robin an outlaw, and I shake my head knowing that NOW starts the movie I’d signed up to see. Robin Hood’s claims of factual accuracy even fall away as a number of liberties are taken for the sake of more dramatic turns. I won’t name these, as I’ve spoiled enough, but suffice to say they’ll make you laugh, unintentionally. Robin Hood remains an adequate medieval story of love and loss and would have made for an excellent History Channel TV series with hungry actors in the leads, but as a tedious 2 and a half hour film, only the relentless hype can save its opening weekend.