For those of you who say to me "why the hell should i join Twitter?!", I present to you, one of the ONLY men you need to follow (along with Warren Ellis and Neil Gaiman, of course). The terrifying comedy stylings of Mickey Rourke!!(NOTE: I'm too lazy to reverse the order..and its too much work, so just remember its all in reverse order or start from the bottom if you are going to whine about it.)
# Some person named Spencer Pratt just sent over a bottle of champagne. I sent it back. Through the air. At his face. 33 minutes ago via TweetDeck
# Of course my chihuahua and I wear matching bath robes. Don't be ridiculous. about 8 hours ago via TweetDeck
# Publicist just asked if the rumor that I hunt humans for sport is true or not. I answered his question by shooting him with a crossbow. 12:22 PM May 12th via TweetDeck
# Let it be known that alarm clocks are for pussies. I've trained my cockatoo to violently attack me every morning at 6:30 sharp. 6:45 AM May 12th via TweetDeck
# I wouldn't normally be concerned about this, but we're seated in my kitchen. 10:20 AM May 11th via TweetDeck
# After five minutes of forced conversation, I've just realized that this person sitting across from me is not, in fact, Tony Danza. 10:04 AM May 11th via TweetDeck
# Still holding that wheelie by the way. 9:13 PM May 10th via TweetDeck
# Any of you ever wake up in the middle of popping a wheelie on your motorcycle? Yeah, didn't fuckin' think so. 6:34 AM May 10th via TweetDeck
# Every year I ask my chihuahua what he's getting his bitch of a mom for Mother's Day. He just stares back at me like he doesn't get the joke. 6:02 PM May 9th via web
# Anyone know where I can buy a disguise for a chihuahua? We hit Topher Grace with my car and need to lay low for a while. 2:10 PM May 7th via TweetDeck
# Just woke up with no hangover and 14 wives. Never party with the Mormons. 6:01 AM May 7th via TweetDeck
# Confession time. I've tricked @GaryJBusey into raising my child. http://huff.to/auVszn 7:36 PM May 6th via TweetDeck
# FACT: I've been cursed by more gypsies than anyone in human history. 3:09 PM May 6th via TweetDeck# Last night was insane. My chihuahua woke up with a tattoo depicting me punching the Pope. I love that little guy. 10:46 AM May 6th via TweetDeck
# Heading down to Tijuana on my bike. The chihuahua's in the sidecar with a case of tequila and shit-eating grin. We might die tonight. 12:10 PM May 5th via web
# In line at Starbucks behind Turtle from Entourage. My cockatoo keeps squawking the word "douche" whenever he tries to order. Awkward. 8:28 AM May 5th via TweetDeck
# Every time I try to high-five my cockatoo, he just stares at me like I'm an asshole. 3:33 PM May 4th via TweetDeck
# Found @Nick_Nolte passed out in my yard again this morning. As he shuffled away I noticed an arrow in his back. I said nothing. 8:18 AM May 4th via web
# People will tell you that chihuahuas look foolish in neckties. Those people are wrong. 5:42 PM May 3rd via web
# My agent just asked if I wanted to be on The Marriage Ref, which is funny because I've been sleeping with his wife. 1:24 PM May 3rd via web
# Another week, another opportunity to finally have my revenge on Danny Bonaduce. 7:12 AM May 3rd via web
# Doing some much needed house cleaning. Turns out I own a horse. 11:22 AM May 2nd via TweetDeck
# OK, which one of you assholes taught my cockatoo the word "fag?" 8:46 AM May 2nd via TweetDeck
# At the Kentucky Derby. My chihuahua's on his third mint julep and is starting to get cocky. This can't end well. 3:48 PM May 1st via web
# Ashton Kutcher just gave me the thumbs-up from across the restaurant. He's a fucking dead man. 8:06 PM Apr 30th via TweetDeck# False alarm. Wasn't Diane Sawyer. Apparently I'm on some sort of city bus. 2:46 PM Apr 30th via TweetDeck
# Just woke up in the midst of a Diane Sawyer interview. No idea how long I was out. Trying to play it cool, but she's watching me tweet this. 2:38 PM Apr 30th via web
# Yes, I sleep with a knife clenched in my teeth, ok? 8:26 AM Apr 30th via TweetDeck
# Toughest decision I've ever had to make. http://bit.ly/aXeEkb 9:34 AM Apr 29th via web
# Just woke up in a catapult. My chihuahua is down below with his little paw on the lever. Don't even fucking think about it. 8:09 AM Apr 29th via web
# Sometimes I think my cockatoo resents my success. There. I said it. 10:59 PM Apr 28th via web
# Just got back from lunch with Robert Downey Jr. He had the spinach salad, I had a rag soaked in ether. 2:49 PM Apr 28th via web
# Here's a hint: It's Gwyneth Paltrow. http://bit.ly/9ya03v 8:54 AM Apr 28th via web
# My chihuahua can't cook omelets for shit, but I'll just keep eating it. He's staring at me right now in his chef's hat. 8:51 AM Apr 28th via web
# Yes, it's true. I was Andy Garcia's little league coach. But I cut him after the first season. With a switchblade, I mean. 3:19 PM Apr 27th via web
# Just woke up in a sidecar barreling down the PCH. It's not attached to any motorcycle, though. Gotta think fast... 8:28 AM Apr 27th via web
# My mistake. I'm not on Lost this week. Turns out I was apparently filming for The View. I think I may have killed Joy Behar. 4:19 PM Apr 26th via web
# Just finished shooting my cameo on this week's Lost. SPOILER: I strangle Hurley with my wallet chain while my chihuahua steals the boat. 12:55 PM Apr 26th via web
# Accidentally T-boned a Prius during my morning run. Completely totaled it. 8:37 AM Apr 26th via web
# Got cast as Genghis Kahn and punched-out a police horse. All in all a nice little weekend. 5:01 PM Apr 25th via web
Head to http://twitter.com/Mickey__Rourke for advice on how to live every second like a newly escaped inmate. Cheers!
