World Gone Wild 2nd Edition: A Survivor's Guide to Post-Apocalyptic Movies

A loving ode to films with post-apocalyptic themes, this updated edition of WORLD GONE WILD: A Survivors Guide to Post-Apocalyptic Movies now features more than 1,200 movie reviews, plus more than 600 images and dozens of interviews with filmmakers and actors.

Available on Oct 28, 2024

From asteroids to zombies, the film and television industry has dreamed up seemingly infinite ways to end the world. Fortunately, in this definitive guide to all things apocalypse (on film), entertainment journalist david j. moore helps you navigate the abundance of post-apocalyptic films to separate the brilliant from the toxic.

Discarded Bodies of Work: Reviews by Paul "Nomad" Nicholasi

Just a spot for future reference, cataloging past TV and Movie.
I WAS HERE U BASTARDS!!

2012 (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/14398/2012-2009/

American Vampire Anthology #1 (Comic) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/47685/american-vampire-anthology-1-comic/

Apollo 18 (2011) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/26702/apollo-18-2011/

Automaton Transfusion (DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/6446/automaton-transfusion-dvd/

Awake (DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/6461/awake-dvd/

Backtrack (2015) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/98183/backtrack-2015/

Big Man Japan (DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/8067/big-man-japan-dvd/

Black Swan (2010) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/21068/black-swan-2010/

Bleeding House, The (2011) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/23868/bleeding-house-the-2011/

Box, The (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/14292/box-the-2009/

Coraline (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/10276/coraline-2009/

Crazies, The (2010) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/15986/crazies-the-2010/

Day the Earth Stood Still, The (2008) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/9716/day-the-earth-stood-still-the-2008/

Dead Serious (2005) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/4072/dead-serious-2005/

Devil (2010) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/19623/devil-2010/

District 9 (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/12828/district-9-2009/

Dream House (2011) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/27376/dream-house-2011/

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/8931/feast-ii-sloppy-seconds-dvd/

Final Destination, The (Blu-ray / DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/15131/final-destination-the-blu-ray-dvd/

Friday the 13th (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/10390/friday-the-13th-2009-2/

Funny Games (DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/7378/funny-games-dvd/

Gamer (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/13220/gamer-2009/

Gate, The (DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/13845/gate-the-dvd/

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/31057/ghost-rider-spirit-of-vengeance-2012/

Grindhouse: Planet Terror (DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/4972/grindhouse-planet-terror-dvd/

Hannibal Rising (2007) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/4603/hannibal-rising-2007/

Haunted World of El Superbeasto, The (DVD / Blu-ray) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/13575/haunted-world-of-el-superbeasto-the-dvd-blu-ray/

Haunting in Connecticut, The (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/10999/haunting-in-connecticut-the-2009/

Hellblazer #300 (Comic) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/42160/hellblazer-300-comic/

Hulk VS (Blu-ray / DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/10139/hulk-vs-blu-ray-dvd/

I Am Legend: Ultimate Collector’s Edition (Blu-ray / DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/9698/i-am-legend-ultimate-collector-s-edition-blu-ray-dvd/

Igor (2008) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/8672/igor-2008/

Incredible Hulk, The (2008) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/7411/incredible-hulk-the-2008/

Incredible Hulk, The (Blu-ray / DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/9056/incredible-hulk-the-blu-ray-dvd/

Jonah Hex (2010) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/17935/jonah-hex-2010/

Knowing (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/10895/knowing-2009/

Legion (2010) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/15318/legion-2010/

Let the Right One In (2008) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/7493/let-the-right-one-in-2008/

Looper (2012) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/37901/looper-2012/

Lovecraft Country - https://www.dreadcentral.com/news/336653/lovecraft-country-review-hbo-series-delivers-monsters-and-then-some/

Metalocalypse (DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/5383/metalocalypse-dvd/

Mist, The (DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/6515/mist-the-dvd/

My Soul to Take (2010) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/20034/my-soul-to-take-2010/

Ninja Assassin (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/14547/ninja-assassin-2009/

Orphan (DVD / Blu-ray) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/14119/orphan-dvd-blu-ray/

Orphanage, The (2007) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/5166/orphanage-the-2007/

Planet Hulk (Blu-ray / DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/15557/planet-hulk-blu-ray-dvd/

Postal (2007) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/4801/postal-2007/

Prom Night (2008) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/6772/prom-night-2008/

Poughkeepsie Tapes, The (2008) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/7663/poughkeepsie-tapes-the-2008/

Pushing Daisies: The Complete First Season (DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/8578/pushing-daisies-the-complete-first-season-dvd/

Quarantine (2008) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/8972/quarantine-2008/

Raze (2013) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/43852/raze-2013/

Red Riding Hood (2011) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/22859/red-riding-hood-2011/

Repo Men (2010) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/16341/repo-men-2010/

Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/19476/resident-evil-afterlife-2010/

Rigor Mortis (DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/55168/rigor-mortis-blu-ray-dvd/

Season of the Witch (2010) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/21548/season-of-the-witch-2010/

Shutter Island (2010) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/15754/shutter-island-2010/

Silent Hill (2006) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/4198/silent-hill-2006/

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D (2012) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/38881/silent-hill-revelation-3d-2012/

Skyline (2010) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/20712/skyline-2010/

Sorority Row (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/13347/sorority-row-2009/

Strangers, The (2008) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/7276/strangers-the-2008/

Strangers, The (Blu-ray / DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/9128/strangers-the-blu-ray-dvd/

Sucker Punch (2011) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/23214/sucker-punch-2011/

Sweatshop (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/13635/sweatshop-2009/

Tell-Tale (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/12367/tell-tale-2009/

Tribeca Horrors 2010 Wrap-Up: Tetsuo, The Bullet Man; Dream Home; The Killer Inside Me - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/17553/tribeca-horrors-2010-wrap-up-tetsuo-the-bullet-man-dream-home-the-killer-inside-me/

Tribeca 2014 – Part 1: Summer of Blood, Super Duper Alice Cooper, In Order of Disappearance, The Canal - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/53160/the-horrors-of-tribeca-part-1-summer-of-blood-super-duper-alice-cooper-in-order-of-disappearance-the-canal/

Turok: Son of Stone (DVD) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/6156/turok-son-of-stone-dvd/

Twilight (2008) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/9507/twilight-2008/

Twilight Saga: New Moon, The (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/14463/twilight-saga-new-moon-the-2009/

Twilight Saga: Eclipse, The (2010) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/18115/twilight-saga-eclipse-the-2010/

Twilight Saga, The: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/28614/twilight-saga-the-breaking-dawn-part-1-2011/

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/10075/underworld-rise-of-the-lycans-2009/

Uninvited, The (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/10182/uninvited-the-2009/

Zombieland (2009) - https://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/13404/zombieland-2009/

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Reviewed

by Ben Urich

So let’s just start with the fact that I have long been a fan of anything to do with the JURASSIC franchises. I read the original books years ago, have read all the comics, and seen all of the films; so whenever there’s a new film in the franchise, I always look forward to its release. The newest installment FALLEN KINGDOM was no exception. Although I must admit that my standards for these movies have dropped over the years, and I really just go to see the dinosaurs on the big screen and, of course, the ensuing carnage.

Monster Trucks Reviewed

by Erich Gamache

Monster Trucks combines two obvious things boys love... Monsters and Trucks. I’m surprised no one did something like this earlier. Especially when you think back to the 90’s and how TV shows and toys combined almost anything to sell to kids…I’m looking at you Street Sharks.

Very quick synopsis, boy hates world, boy meets monster, evil oil company wants to cover up and kill monster, monster hides in truck, boy discovers monster can magically act like an engine and fun ensues.

Shin Godzilla Reviewed AKA Godzilla vs Mega Japanese Politics

Shin Godzilla is a 2 paragraph plot brilliantly executed with a lot of first rate West Wing-worthy chit-chat, so there really is no fun way to review the film without spoilers...so...SPOILERS AHEAD

As a collective pile of Kaiju geeks...nationally or internationally, I'd say our thirst for massive monsters wreaking havoc upon a fairly helpless populace is a fickle one. Our American Godzilla re-imagining was a little light on the giant monster rampage and we let Hollywood know how we felt about that with middle fingers twirling about against a golden sunset like fields of wheat in a very patriotic Kid Rock music video. Pacific Rim should have been everything we ever wanted and yet, we didn't get to theaters in numbers adequate to re-ignite the giant monster wars. Instead, all we were left with was odd half-promises of a Godzillaverse and a trailer where Sam Jackson takes on a building sized King Kong WITH HIS BARE HANDS!! Really..it happened. Go check. (don't check) We continue to wait for a perfect world where once a year, someone cranks out a giant monster movie we can roll around in, but until that world becomes reality, WE HAVE SHIN GODZILLA!! The trailers were so-so...the monster design made people ask if this most evil-looking of monster kings could do anything with those tiny grabby hands...and being geeks, we mostly slagged the movie, doing our best to keep expectations low...but still..secretly...hoping. Friends, I am here to tell you.......this movie kicks a whole lot of ass...and it's not even trying that hard.

Dear Hollywood: Critics Can Be Fans Too

**Spoilers mixed in here so beware!**

There's an odd disconnect in this country. I see it in two places primarily. One is when people talk about celebrities or people they perceive as celebrities. There is an accepted level of badmouthing and ridicule that happens when speaking about these individuals in very public places...never mind that the internet makes the world so small that the subject of these talks can usually see the postings...and that not all "celebrities" are off boating in Spain, using 100's to light their cigars...and the small fact that the individual is human with feelings. In a world so hellbent on shielding disenfranchised folks from the cruelty of bullies, we sure do have double standards for if and when that protection comes into play. The other point of disconnect is with "critics", who are spoken of as if they are a race of creatures separate from the bipedal ruling class of the planet Earth. These beings spout baseless opinion, often agreeing with each other as the winds of trend dictate, spreading falsehood and furthering an agenda to crush films they unanimously decide are unworthy. This is all ridiculous, of course, but read the comments across the internet pointing to reviews of the recent, reigning box office champion Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice and you'll see it's not far from what some people are saying.

Fantasia Film Festival 2015: Horror & Metal, The Perfect Mix

Emilie Noetzel launches into her second day of the 2015 Fantasia International Film Festival ...

I started my second day in Montreal with a long walk down Sherbrooke, McGill, and Ste-Catherine Street, from my hotel to Atwater metro station, slowly going about my day and taking photos of random things as I tend to do when left to own devices in any city. This was once my city, but I never used to take many photos around town, so I intend on correcting this. My obsession with lighting fixtures continues! I have taken far too many photos of them and will keep on doing so until I have ALL of them.

Mad Max: Fury Road Reviewed

Last we saw ‘Mad’ Max Rockantansky he was still wandering alone in the desert ruins of our world, and when we finally catch up with him again, that’s where we find him. It isn't before long that he’s captured by a cult called The War Boys, whose leader, Immortan Joe, realizes that his best driver Imperator Furiousa is escaping with all of his ‘treasures’; a set of mutation free and beautiful women in a war rig (a supercharged and heavily armored tanker). Max is literally dragged into the efforts to recapture them by a War Boy called Nux, a true believer and great driver himself, who is sick and low on blood. With Max strapped to the front of his car acting as his blood bag, the chase begins.

It’s been 30 years since George Miller last made a Mad Max movie. That movie remains the weakest link in the franchise, and is part of why it’s taken so long for there to be another, but other reasons include terrorist attacks and freak weather. If Miller hadn't been so driven to make this movie then it definitely wouldn't have been made. In fact he’s spent over 15 years trying to make Fury Road, and since it was originally intended to start shooting way back in 2001, it’s a project I've been looking forward to (for a very long time!)

Oculus Reviewed

The horror machine seems to be taped to the "on" setting these last few years with no signs of stopping any time soon! (and for that, we say, yay) Food of choice for spookhounds seems to be heaving helpings of ghostly creeps and a steady stream of demonic possessions, but one sub-genre has also been enjoying a steady stream of titles dedicated to its preservation while seemingly keeping under the radar...and that is the realm of the CURSED OBJECT!! Of course, all this will change when James Wan tells the tale of Annabelle, the cursed doll that will have you sleeping with the lights on for months after viewing..and every studio begins the hunt for a cursed something-or-other movie. I, personally, would love to see cursed housewares. Sure, "Maximum Overdrive" came close, but I feel they really didn't pull the trigger there. Demonic housewares is where it's at, mark my words. Now comes Oculus; a mean spirited tale of a mirror with a taste for chaos...and plants..and dogs...and Scifi starlets. Can Amy Pond and Starbuck prevail against an unseen horror that would bring their minds to the very edge of sanity? Let's discuss.

The Amazing Spider-Man Reviewed

As an angry nerd who was raised on comic books, I have a personal stake when Hollywood hijacks one of my beloved comic heroes and has their way with them. Sometimes, we get a disaster like Catwoman. I’ll give you a moment to stop screaming and vomiting. …and we continue. Sometimes we get Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man. After watching The Amazing Spider-Man, the older Spider-Man films now play like Tim Burton’s Batman in my head. They are whimsical and fairly non-threatening with too much time spent on overly mushy, mumbly moments where our protagonists drone on about their boundless love, and at the time, it is all we had, so it was good. Peter Parker was super nerdy, Mary Jane was missing a bit of her ka-pow…if you know what I mean…and there was just some element missing. The humor of the comics..the intensity of the action..the depravity of the villains…SOMETHING just did not translate. Even New York was this sort of idealized, convenient Raimi creation. All that is about to change.

Megamind VS Due Date

The battle for your weekend funnies BEGINS!! This fight may be a little different than the box office battles we are used to. Megamind will attract a solid family audience as well as the super geeks attracted to the comic bookified content, and then fans of the stars involved as well as those drawn to the advance buzz. Due Date will get a solid "date night" nod, heavy crowds of those old enough to watch and drawn in by "Director of The Hangover" on the trailers and posters, as well as people who think they are too cool to watch cartoons. BLASPHEMERS!!

MEGAMIND: Two babies rocket to Earth as their planets are sucked into a black hole, mirroring the origin story of Superman himself. One child blessed with super powers and fantastic hair grows up privileged and loved by all. The other with blue pallor and a sizable noggin encasing the brain of an evil genius...isn't so lucky. As the two grow, their rivalry becomes the stuff of legend. It's Megamind VS Metro Man with the fate of the city in the balance...until the day when Metro Man is suddenly blown to bits. BAD GUYS WIN...??!! Quickly growing bored of a world without a nemesis, Megamind does some cloning and powers up a slacker idiot to take Metro Man's place. Unfortunately, the new super also wants to be the bad guy. Wackiness ensues.

First off, I've got to applaud the originality of this story and the fantastically funny way in which it is told. I know people that wince in pain at the thought of Will Ferrell screaming unintelligibly into his mic. This is not the case at all. I'd normally be right there with you, having my own agonizing flashbacks of Talladega Nights, but Ferrell takes the role and makes it his own, creating the perfect nuances for the character rather then having animation built around his own personal antics. The end result is awkward, geeky, self conscious and ridiculously over the top in the most perfect ways possible and deserving of a showboating master super villain who gets his showmanship inspiration from rock concert laser shows and pyrotechnics! This also means the soundtrack kicks ass. GET YOUR METAL ON! I've also got to give credit to Tina Fey whose comedic timing is impeccable and whose delivery of dry lines along side Megamind's grandstanding are consistently a source for "play that again" amusement. As for Brad Pitt, whom I love watching in films; I felt he didn't bring anything to the table and more times then not, I felt the role may as well have gone to George Clooney as..well..he sounds JUST LIKE Clooney and George would probably have brought a little funny to the role.

The animation here is mind blowing, as befitting the colossal super fights you'll see, as quickly as they go by. The spectacle is less from super battle and more from the characters interacting with their environment; using their super powers and ultra destructive weapons of chaos in that environment to great effect. This makes the film a treat for the eyes as well as giving your stomach muscles a work out from constant laughter. For the geeks in the audience, you'll get nods to great moments in geek history alongside Megamind's ingenious creations, traps, and giant destructobot clearly influenced from old 50's scifi art. The dorky mind explodes! Megamind is an instant win and surely something you will push on your children along side The Incredibles to assure they are raised properly and with a subconscious love for comic book action that will manifest in book buying when they are old enough to respect that all books go in boards and bags, and that you don't eat Cheetos while reading them.

DUE DATE: Peter Highman rushes home to his pregnant wife who is about to pop when fate steps in...in the form of a pudgy, peculiar aspiring actor whose gift for chaos forces the two into a cross country odyssey packed with crime, misfortune and PAIN!! If you are the type of person (like me) who cringes in their seat when a character does something you REALLY don't want them to do and would love to scream for them to stop doing, then this movie is instantly not for you. I recall painful moments watching Seinfeld, watching a certain round man pull a pastry out of the garbage and eat it and experiencing a full body convulsion. This is what Zack Galifianakis does to me, and specifically, what he did to me in this film. The level of annoying is pumped up to a factor of 3 thousand, perhaps just below the boys from Dumb and Dumber, which made me beg for mercy every 20 minutes or so. The film makers seek to offset this pain with touches of drama where you realize that Zack's character Ethan's dream to be an actor may be warranted and that his urgency to never be alone drives his manic behavior. Well...all fine and good, but I still don't want to be friends with such a needy psycho, much less watch them systematically destroy a man's life. Galifianakis is absolutely a great actor...and I know this because I despised his character every minute of this film.

Could the undeniable charm of Robert Downey Jr. offset this level of irritation? The answer is a resounding no, most specifically because his character is highly unlikable! Mr. Highman is quick to argue and insult people just doing their jobs, shows zero patience in any environment and lashes out with unwarranted levels of violence that you may laugh at at first, but feel uncomfortable with later. Some of the things this character does makes you believe he is just an irredeemable character who deserves every ounce of pain he gets by being in close proximity to Ethan, who is revealed as DIVINE JUSTICE!! After all, the man is about to be a father. Something has to change before the universe allows him to be left alone with a child. Again, we are given moments with Peter where you can see why someone would love him, and genuine affection he shows to a man who is clearly lost in this world and alone, but it does little to counter act his true nature we've been witness to for the bulk of the film.

Is there funny? Yes, a bit. Is this more of that "shocking" and "awkward" funny we've come to expect from any movie with Galifianakis is a part of? ABSOLUTELY. Know what you are in for and decide for yourself. This is NOT the Hangover, but in that same breathe, this is also not an a-typical, cookie cutter buddy film where two unlikely souls join forces. There are no slow moments, badly written scenes or times when you feel they've wasted valuable cash on bullshit your average American eats up, but the unique creation that emerges as a result will not be for everyone.

15 Second Reviews: Piranha 3D, Vampires Suck, Scott Pilgrim & The Expendables

Sorry I've been neglecting this poor little blog. Once I got back from my geek tour I jumped right into Monster-Mania preparations (see next article for the skinny), which hasn't left me much time to dork around over here. To bribe your forgiveness, here are some new 15 second reviews...

Scott Pilgrim Vs The World: I fucking love this movie and beyond saying "It's damn funny" I can't exactly explain WHY its damn funny. I'm not a hardcore gamer, so that's not it at all. SP is visually captivating and randomly hysterical in all the right ways..and having an awesome soundtrack doesn't hurt either. Whatever it is, there's brilliance to be found. I can tell I'll be watching this movie for years to come and still laughing at "I have to pee on her".

The Expendables: If you were to turn of the vocal tracks for JUST the actors, this movie would be way more awesome per second. The writing for this movie is so horrible in counterpoint to some killer action scenes and better still, dream fights pitting legendary action stars against each other, shot in such a way that you can actually SEE THE FIGHT IN ALL ITS GLORY!! That alone, is an accomplishment. Sure, the jokes are enough to make Fozzy Bear want to stab himself in the head, but the the BOOM makes up for it.

Vampires Suck: Yes, its' a spoof movie, but this one follows the Twilight stories so closely, we left the theater with the distinct notion that they'd tricked us into seeing another Twilight movie. I'm sure you weren't expecting brilliance from the comedy, but these guys are so topical you'll need an 13 yr old to translate for you and the rest is just lame. The funniest bits come from the film's Bella and Edward who recreate every facial tick, lip chew, screaming fit, far off "smelt something bad" look and overly dramatic face grab. If that's all you need, go for it.

Piranha 3D: This could be the biggest budget SyFy channel monster movie we'll ever see. The pacing is identical to those "original" films but since you are in a theater and your age has been checked, you'll get heaping doses of boobs and buckets of GORE!! More importantly, the film is shot very well, the 3D works to great effect, the characters are funny enough to keep you engaged (even if you don't care if they get chewed up) and the SFX are pretty damn impressive. An excellent Saturday night!

Toy Story 3 VS Jonah Hex

It's the comic book bad ass VS the toy store terrors! The pugilistic plastic puppets VS the wicked waylaying westerner!! LET'S GET IT ON!!!

Toy Story 3 - Flashing forward 10 years or more, Andy is on his way to college, leaving Woody and his pals to one of two fates. The attic or donation to the local daycare center. In a twist of accidental fate, off the the daycare center they go where all seems like toy Eden..until the toddlers come!! PLASTIC CARNAGE!! I have to make a note that, ever since the second movie when they defined how much Woody, his horse and Jessie are worth, I twitch whenever I see them walking around on pavement..or dirt..or the air...much less being gnawed on by little drooling humans. This was true HORROR for me. Without giving away the plot, not all is what it seems at the daycare center, so the film turns into a caper movie with the toys trying to find their way home again. The only change this time around is the odd number of "evil" characters and the completely random and almost disturbing nature of some of the circumstances and scenes! This movie is so weird, I found myself half covering my eyes at times, not knowing what the hell I was watching. I can only imaging these scenes might scare kids a little!

The oddness of the story line didn't detract from my enjoyment one bit. The pace is swift and the comedy non-stop, with imagery so unexpected I found myself laughing harder as I shook my head in disbelief. This might be a little intense for smaller kids, but Toy Story 3 is every bit as fun as a Toy Story movie should be and doesn't disappoint one bit. The 3D, however, is inconsequential, so don't feel that you NEED to see the movie in this format for maximum enjoyment. Honestly, I don't recall anything coming at me, causing me to duck down in startled amazement. I even forgot we were watching in 3D about 10 minutes in. Get out to the movies this weekend and give Toy Story 3 the well deserved #1 spot, but leave the glasses behind.

Jonah Hex - Jonah Hex (Brolin) is a man haunted by the death of his wife and child at the hands of the insidious Quentin Turnbull (Malkovich). Scarred horribly by Turnbull and left for dead, Hex is saved by friendly Native Americans who yank him back, inches from the here after and thus, changed by having seen the other side. Now, Hex can communicate with the dead with a touch and roams the dusty trails as an outlaw bounty hunter with a taste for a prostitute named Lilah (Fox) and a scar across his mug you’d never forget.

The rest of this tale is either irrelevant or makes no sense. Hex believes Turnbull to be dead, which is reversed minutes later; a pointless plot fact since we all know Turnbull is the main bad guy before we even enter the theater. Hex’s “talking to the dead” gimmick stands as the only pleasing effect in the whole film but things revealed during these moments, while pushing Hex toward the bad guy, seem forced and could have been easily replaced with some bar drunk pointing in the right direction…but what fun would that be?! The dialogue falls out of actors mouths with the pacing of a sub-par community theater performance, as if they were all told to sit down and watch Silverado before the shoot as their only reference. The result is agonizing with a series of peripheral characters standing around like civil war reenactors or those odd puppets in the Hall of Presidents, pitching their lines at main characters who seem to yawn back at them.

SPEAKING of acting! While watching Jonah Hex, you’d think the film was shot in a single week with actors given 2 days to read the script and cue cards to cover the rest. Brolin’s mangled mouth piece assures most of his lines are delivered through gritted teeth, rendered unintelligible. This makes his scenes with Megan Fox extra hysterical, as her delivery is extra mumbly with a sort of drawl, which isn’t to be confused with a southern drawl. She just drawn her words out and makes every word sound gnarly. It’s not sexy. John Malkovich slow walks from scene to scene with the intensity of someone performing a task they were talked into by a cousin who nagged them for a solid year. I’d swear he doesn’t change his facial expression even once and delivers his lines with a softness you reserve for ordering desert after a pleasing meal. This leaves Michael Fassbender as the maniacal, heavily tattoo’d Burke who dances through every scene and twirls a giant knife as if he studied the art since childhood. Fassbender seems the only person behaving as if he’s in a crazy, comic adapted western with super natural overtones and comes off more like a Robocop nemesis than cohort to Turnbull, who is most likely sleeping somewhere behind him. Special mentions should be given to Wes Bently and Will Arnett who are so miscast and odd, even with the small roles given, that they may as well be in a Saturday Night Live skit spoofing the movie. Finally, a tip of my hat to Tom Wopat (yes, that Duke boy) who acts his ass off despite the stupidity happening around him and succeeds in proving he deserves more movie roles.

80 minutes feel like 2 hours as this dull fantasy rolls along with lame, unlikely action, horrible writing and zero atmosphere. If you consider a red tinted “dream sequence” that replays throughout the film as cutting edge cinematography, then I suggest you partake in any one of a number of the SyFy channel’s “original” movies and save some cash. When I saw the names Neveldine and Taylor come up in the credits as screen writers I nearly yelled LIAR!! This complete mess of a film could not be the work of the guys who brought us the Crank films and Gamer. Jonah Hex lacks the quirkiness and risk taking that is the backbone of those films. Jonah Hex has to be a hack job and after cutting the meat to ribbons in an attempt to form a coherent story line, we are left with 80 minutes of sweaty boredom, laughable action gimmicks and an “ultimate weapon” that will remind the more geeky among us of the Dragon Balls from Dragon Ball Z. They, too, make no sense.

I went into Jonah Hex with very low expectations, my Spidey senses telling me this may hurt a bit. I left rubbing my eyes, shaking myself awake for the ride home and muttering curses to myself. Save yourself the agony and skip this movie all together.

The A-Team VS The Karate Kid

It's the battle of the 80's re-imaginations!! The ultimate team of anti-terrorist titans vs the pint sized, kick-ass Kung Fu kid who should actually be doing Karate! THE BATTLE IS ON!!!

The A-Team - Part MacGuyver..part elite military fighting force. The A-Team is back, this time on the big screen with a sort of prequel origin story that segways into something mirroring the pre-show back story of the disgraced team that now dodges johnny law and does good deeds when they are called upon. Director Joe Carnahan knows his way around an action film, keeping an excellent pace riddled with witty exchanges between his new A Team that never get old or annoying. Fighting for the top spot of "craziest motherfucker" and by default, most enjoyable to watch, would be Face (Bradley Cooper) and Murdock (Sharlto Copley) who are given the funniest bits, naturally. Coming in third, oddly, is Liam Neeson's Hannibal who remains extremely likably with a sort of dry humor that isn't exactly straight man to the pair of WOO HOOing goofballs. Neeson carves out his own personality within the group while retaining the core elements of the original show's character..not an easy task! Even though he's given ample screen time and some memorable stunts, painfully forced character nuances keep our new school Mr T from achieving greatness and pure FUN. To make matters worse, Quinton "Rampage" Jackson delivers his lines with the care and plotting of a Charlie Brown character or Tommy "Tiny" Lister in The 5th Element. This was always an insane bit of miscasting, but I honestly thought the WHOLE movie was going to be a train wreck. Color me surprised! B.A.Baracus remains cohesive among the crew as they crack successful jokes and fall out of the sky on more than one occasion. He is likeable...just not Mr. T likable!

I'll always say FOX missed a golden opportunity to make a poster with the tank falling out of the sky with Face on the guns and the tag line "You'll Believe A Tank Can Fly."

On the flip side of all this funny amid pulse pounding action is the bad guy collection, whom I won't name specifically since we aren't supposed to know they are bad guys until specific events unfold in the story. Once again, we have an excellent action film that could have shot itself in the foot by not having a super evil bad guy you really hate. Much like The Losers, our classic John McClane nemesis is traded in for a somewhat likable, constantly wisecracking evil "genius" who practically stops the film to perform comedy bits with his henchmen. This falls just short of intolerable and will surely illicit a groan or two from your fellow movie goers. Just be BAD for fucks sake!!! On a side note, I'll mention that since the A-Team were so funny and the bad guys slightly less funny, this left Jessica Biel and her team as the straight men for 90% of the movie. Credit to the film makers for not cashing on on Biel's sex appeal by finding a reason to get her into her underwear, but what we are left with is a cookie cutter "determined policeman" type character that could have been played by anyone. Odd. And I miss her undies. I hope to see them again soon.

Another blow to the movie's crackerjack timing are the constant flashbacks, shown so often I'm convinced the editor thought the core audience for this film are on the slow side. YOU SEE THAT THERE?? HE GAVE HER A PHONE!! ..and then the voice over of Face man goes "hold onto this" as if to suggest he wanted her to..maybe...hold onto it. YEESH. Despite these relentless "you see what we did there?" moments, The A Team still comes out a killer action movie with above average CGI effects, NEW tricks I've personally never even seen before, leaving me to pick my jaw up off the floor, and a laugh nearly every 5 to 10 minutes. This is the summer movie you hoot and holler at, applauding and laughing right up to the closing credits. Thanks for bringing the FUN back to my movie going experience!!

NOTE: Stay after the credits if you want to have old school A-Team flash backs!

The Karate Kid - Be warned, this is not the goofy coming of age story you remember. Dre Parker (Jaden Smith) is uprooted and dropped in the middle of China with no advance cultural studies or much knowledge of the language. Befriending a young female violin player only gets him a fist to the face from the school bully squad, lead by a wide eyed, Kung Fu wielding psychotic who will remind you of a tiny little Bolo Yeung! These opening moments before Dre's inevitable bonding with Mr. Han (Jackie Chan) are very slow and quiet. Clowning and one liners are kept to a minimum, giving the initial exchanges a very thoughtful indie movie vibe. You'll quickly discover this is more a serious drama than the mostly light hearted original. Jaden Smith proves he's got the acting chops to pull it off and remain sympathetic while not going full on emo, but the tone is still unexpected.

Before long, Dre is taken under Mr.Han's wing as we trade the "wax on wax off" exercises for jacket on, jacket off, as it was taught for generations by the Shao Lin Monks. (I kid) Yes, its true he is learning Kung Fu, and NOT the Japanese fighting style known as KARATE..which would have made him The KARATE Kid. It's just something you'd have to accept before even sitting down in the theater. If the cultural mis-step offends you, don't go. As it stands, you'll see more genuine Asians in this movie than you will the upcoming Last Airbender film, which is supposed to take place on a PLANET of Asian people. ~sigh~ ..but I digress. Dre wanders through the film with a sort of blank faced wonder before the beauty of China as if we were watching a travel documentary, learning about the people, culture and most importantly..KUNG FUUU!! Amid the pretty, Dre develops his love interest with the little violin girl. There's little chemistry in these exchanges, but we'll give them a break since we are talking about little kids, a fact that the film makers abandon at one point when the mood gets..shall we say..uncomfortable. You'll know the scene when it hits and scratch your head, wondering why it is even in the film.

So Dre and Mr.Han form a close bond while training for the promised Kung Fu face off in the film's finale, all the while showing they are spectacular actors capable of genuine depth. This movie may not be the fun multi-cultural romp I remember, but it certainly holds its own as a serious, well executed drama. Some films reveal an ending that redeems an entire film. The Karate Kid pulls out a stunt that would practically make the little animated head of M Night Shyamalan pop up and scream "WHAT A TWEEEST!!" Why they chose to end a very real, touching film with a hugely unrealistic, over the top moment is beyond me..but what's done is done. If you were coming to The Karate Kid to see Jackie Chan and Jaded Smith shout Wax On, Wax Off and any number of classic lines from the original film, you've come to the wrong place. If you are ready to sit down and watch a new drama about a boy overcoming his fears with the help of a man whose heart seems beyond repair, then you'll leave with a smile on your face.

Get Him To The Greek VS Splice

Battling for your consumer dollars this weekend!! It's the perpetually humping bean pole Brit VS the gene spliced American Apparel model from HELLLL!! DOWN AND DIRTY IN THE MUD!!

Splice: This is the touching tale of White Stripes artists turned genetic scientists (or at least you'd think it by their outfits) who go from creating fat little slug monsters to whipping up their own baby girl..monkey..thing. Thus, Dren is born and the awkwardness begins. The splicing duo decide they don't need to kill their experiment since it is growing at an accelerated rate, knowing it will die on its own before long. Of course, as it happens in most films, the creature comes to maturity and stops aging...sort of. Dren goes through sort of evolutions, as we've seen in the trailers so i don't feel I'm spoiling anything by touching on the point. It seems she/it is highly intelligent and yet, emotionally immature. Through a small handful of tantrums from Dren, we get the Frankenstein aspect of the film...scientists with a God complex and such..but it is a theme diluted with the premise of a woman's urgency to bear a child. This creates the bond between Elsa (Sarah Polley) and her daughter, and spares the creature when it should have been terminated early on, and most likely would have at the hands of Clive (Adrien Brody).

This is where things get jumbled. We see Dren extensively, so apart from those first reveals of the creature in various stages of development, there is little mystery or suspense laid down. Those elements of horror you see in the trailers are sparse, the bulk of which don't happen until the very last scenes and are gone within five minutes. For the most part, Dren is a peaceful creature full of wonder and anxious to explore the world outside. Of course, this is impossible as she is still an experiment and you don't just let a creature like her loose on society...or even tell anyone about her lest you be thrown in jail as Dren is terminated and dissected for further research. So we are meant to feel bad for the creature and more so as her makers flip flip with their emotions which range from parental to cold and clinical to the perverse and extremely inappropriate. Once scene in this film will have you looking at Adrien Brody...differently...for the rest of your life. Since we are given little time with the scientists before they are thrown into the mayhem, we have very little information to explain their motives as they stumble along on their adventure. The adventure itself is one of exploration, making this film an above average Sci-fi tale, but one that doesn't really go anywhere. The entire premise is "We've created this thing...now we have to live with it"..something that seems more suited for an art house crowd rather than the main stream audience that made Avatar the highest grossing movie of all time.

With story telling born of convenience, few glimpses into the personalities of our primary human characters and a creature thrown into the spotlight and left there, abandoning all sense of mystery and relying on the strength of CGI that just doesn't cut it at times, we are left with a film that is very "What you see is what you get." It's a tale we've seen many times before in film and literature and while Splice approaches the subject in a somewhat engaging and thoughtful manor, I'd hardly call it fun...and just barely the horror film we are promised in the trailers. Splice may be somewhat shocking and absolutely memorable (if only for those shocks), but I have no desire to watch it twice.

Get Him To The Greek: A floundering record company may have found their cash cow through jump starting the career of Aldous Snow (Russel Brand who seems somewhat type cast), a hard drinking, drug abusing, sex crazed rock star on the verge of self destruction. Aaron Green (Jonah Hill) is charged with collecting Aldous, dropping him in NY for a talk show appearance and then off to LA in the space of three days. When a mild manored yes man with an inner party boy struggling to escape meets the Bacchus of the UK rock set...wackiness ensues.

I will be the first to admit this movie's trailer made me groan often with the thought of countless scenes of Russel Brand humping the camera and Jonah Hill stumbling after him as many a gross out scene unfolds. Amazingly enough, that didn't happen. Sure, there is still plenty of humping and little bits of grossness that go along with the super indulgent, super rich rock star life, but it is all executed with cracker jack comedic timing, fantastic writing and direction all rolled together creating the funniest movie I've watched in a long time. We had a fairly full theater at my screening and there were times when those watching laughed for 10 minutes straight at a stretch. This is just seriously well written material played to perfection by people that understood their roles fully and never attempted to chew up the scenery or attack the audience via the camera (as is the style of Will Ferrell.) Just about EVERY character that gets screen time says something funny. Yes, even P.Diddy!! That is a very rare thing.

Our chaotic duo finally make it back to LA after both expert and embarrassing sexual exploits, the obligatory out of control drug reaction, hysterical moments with Aldous' X Jackie Q (who might be deserving of her own mockumentary), a memorable cameo by Sarah Marshall and even a healthy dose of touchy feely self exploration, leaving the two better people by the closing credits. Awww. The film does wind down toward the finale as a somewhat filthy heart is exposed, but it doesn't hurt the pace of the film or detract from your enjoyment one bit. Get Him To The Greek is an awesome Saturday night! See it this weekend and prepare to hear half the lines repeated back at work Monday morning.

BONUS POINTS: 15 Second Killers Review: Contract Killer Kutcher gives up his bloody ways for spastically dorky Katherine Heigl until a small army of killers come after the couple to collect on a multi million dollar bounty. Plenty of shooting, car chasing and and spy-fu to be had in a one note film that limps along on a thin premise with a screaming Heigl, bad writing and no chemistry. Unless you NEED to see Kutcher with his shirt off, skip it.

15 Second Reviews: Hot Tub Time Machine & How to Train Your Dragon

Hot Tub Time Machine: Man Ass Ho! Here's a new buddy comedy sending friends spiraling to the 80's to screw up the time line and ultimately make their lives better (awesome premise), spending much of the time trying to be The Hangover with homo-erotic gags that fall flat. Still a hysterical movie but with dead spots and not as funny as THEY think it is. Worth a watch.







How to Train Your Dragon: When is the last time you went to an animated movie and went WOA over the visuals? No, Avatar doesn't count. Dragon is smart, funny and fast paced with enough action to make your World of Warcraft buddies spit their pop out and enough heart to make your date go AWW very often. Maybe a little dark for a G rated crowd, but still an excellent film. SEE IT IN 3D!!

15 Second Reviews: Twilight: New Moon, The Blind Side & Planet 51

Twilight: New Moon:: Prepare for 2 hours of pain!! At best, this is a high school level mellow drama that wishes, one day, it could be a genuine soap opera. Ridiculous vampire makeups and mannerisms heighten the bad along with some laughably sub-par CGI werewolves. Edward and company make the vamp cows in Littlest Vampire seem creepy. AVOID!

The Blind Side:: This is the kind of movie that makes you feel like you should be a LOT more grateful for all the good things in our lives, and assures us that miracles do happen. This is also the sweetest, most sincere movie I've seen in years. Grabs your heart tight and doesn't let go, yet is consistently funny as well. EVERYONE in it is fantastic. See this immediately and if you are easily choked up, bring some tissues!

Planet 51:: A light, fairly funny movie with the genius concept that a human lands on an alien planet that has some significant tech advances, but is experiencing their version of our 50's!! Unfortunately, its as if the execs meddled with the script and inserted "kid friendly" wacky chase scenes and diatribe on the moral of the story, spelled out painfully clearly. Hysterical moments and generally fun, but not a must see.

15 Second Reviews: Men Who Stare at Goats & 2012

2012:: This just might be the stupidest movie anyone has ever thrown up on the big screen, and yet, in that it is so ridiculously bad, it's a work of art. Most everything that happens is dumb but the WOA factor in which the destruction of the planet chases after John Cusack and his hapless family is astounding. This is an instant classic..with shots.. in that you should be drinking all through the 3 hours.

The Men Who Stare at Goats:: Did you go into this movie thinking it would be all light and retardedly funny and they'd actually have some crazy government funded super powers? So did I..and I was hoping, but the reality was a bit more depressing..and reality did dominate, sadly. It's still quirky enough to make you laugh out loud often and Clooney just destroys on screen. Worth a shot!

Full Frontal: 2012

A tremor here ... an explosion there ... the earth opens up and swallows a supermarket ... nothing to worry about! Soon, the ground beneath you rears up and swallows your city whole with a deafening roar, seemingly getting revenge for all those times you threw an empty McDonald's cup out the window of your moving car. You never saw it coming. Meanwhile, in the audience, unsuspecting moviegoers are preparing for three hours of PAIN.

The Sun is a mass of incandescent gas that burns like a nuclear furnace (so says They Might Be Giants) and then one day the Sun burped up a huge wave that cooked the Earth’s core, dropping our life expectancy down to zero. Will science save us? Unfortunately, this is not when we build a giant drill to travel into the core to set off directed charges of liquid nitrogen or some such nonsense. No, our goose seems cooked, so politicians and the rich prepare to skip out aboard giant ships while the rest of us scream in terror as we meet our fate by any number of cataclysms described in the scariest parts of the Bible.

As is the case with most ginormous budget disaster movies, 2012 follows the stories of several characters. Some get very little screen time before succumbing to the Godly anger of Roland Emmerich while others form the center of the film around which we watch our world burst into flame. Jackson Curtis (Cusack) is a struggling writer, recently divorced and doing his best to keep a positive relationship with his children alive. Alive would become the watchword later in their story. Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor) is a gifted scientist who gathers proof of the world’s imminent demise, presents it to the President of the USA (Danny Glover who is too old for this shit) and sets the gears of human survival in motion. The only thing these two men share is Helmsley’s almost perverse love of Curtis’ book, which he waves around and quotes all throughout the film to the point where you think he has stock in the publishing company.

Each of the two main characters gives you a glimpse of the landscape on drastically different sides of an invisible class barrier of sorts. Curtis, being a middle-class schlub, gets to experience the intense destruction first-hand and only survives by the skin of his teeth and a ridiculous script that has the chaos chasing him and his family within inches for what seems like a half-hour straight. For Helmsley -- who at this point has ingratiated himself with the highest powers of government -- the experience is far cleaner as we watch him say good-bye to dear friends and family and curse his own survival. The counterpoints were enjoyable to observe for the most part, save for when the script writers insisted on reminding us that Helmsley is in man-love with Curtis and begins to wave his book around again. Not necessary at all. They should have just had someone yell “OH GOD...Where’s John Cusack!!??!!” in the background of scenes every ten minutes he was not on screen. It would have been a more subtle reminder.

Honorable mentions in the field of actually acting in peril go to Chiwetel Ejiofor, who conveys a very sympathetic scientist who is tormented by the fact that no one on Earth knows what is about to hit them. He also seems anguished by the fact that earth science, never being exact, puts those around him in peril fairly consistently. You could feel the weight on his shoulders and a feeling that he is completely out of his depth, but coping. Oliver Platt delivers a fantastic performance as a scientist and bureaucrat who seems to be one of the few individuals making the hard decisions, stands unflinching before his actions and cops to them when challenged. It’s nice to see a character like his not completely demonized as scenes get increasingly tense. Actually, quite often, you’ll find yourself agreeing with him.

While 2012 excels with this dose of reality, it also induces mass eye-rolling with Woody Harrelson playing a pirate radio broadcaster who has uncovered the conspiracy to cover up our impending doom and jumps around, shouting into his mic like a complete loon. I hate this character. I’ll always hate this character. I wish Hollywood would stop putting this character into mega-budget movies. Please. It’s dumb. BUT WAIT! We can go ever dumber. Tamara, the Russian mistress to a despicably rich fat man, has a little dog who receives its fair share of screen time. Can’t have a giant American film without stupid dog tricks!! When the moment comes for this little ball of fur to shine, you are sure to hear people guffawing in disbelief. It’s silly, and dare I say, retarded, but at the very least, it is quick.

The most essential thing missing from 2012 is believability. It is not in the fact that such a catastrophic event could happen, but that the characters are actually in danger ... at all. One particular scene has Cusack having a comfortable conversation in the back of a truck, rolling through icy mountains, with no signs of cold wha soever. Other times, while narrowly dodging falling buildings and upturned pieces of ground, Cusack busts out one-liners with eyebrows barely raised to convey his predicament.

To make matters worse, I feel the CGI technology is just not yet up to the task of tackling such widespread pandemonium. The filmmakers are sure to place little tiny humans being flattened, flung skyward, dumped out of the side of toppling buildings, exploded and just plain fleeing in terror whenever a plane was allowed to be close enough to be plausible and not millimeters away from certain death, so we can’t fault them for detail or a level of unflinching horror, but the simple fact is some of it works and some of it is laughable. Of course, if you are going into this just looking to see the world go to hell as violently as possible, then mission accomplished. This may be one of the dumbest disaster films ever made, but they sure do blow up things real good. Now the real test is sitting still for three hours. Be sure not to order the extra large soda.

2012 is a LONG movie and you feel it, even with more action than I can ever recall seeing in a film before and moments I know no one has ever attempted. I fear the fatal flaw lies in a low level of human despair on a believable level, but as said before, if you can ignore that glaring problem, then sit back and soak up the carnage. 2012 has a wow moment just about every half hour, which is a pretty impressive ratio, but with so much insanity around every corner, you may find yourself waving the white flag at the two-hour mark. Just how much global destruction can you handle? Let’s find out.

15 Second Reviews: Christmas Carol & The Box

,A Christmas Carol:: We start out with a beautiful recreation of the classic tale you'll be ecstatic to introduce your children to. In walks the first spirit with a jump scare more effective than most horror movies, followed by a downward spiral once we hit the present who goes full on spooky, disturbs your children and forces them into counseling. WHO ARE THEY MAKING THESE MOVIES FOR?! A very well made movie (with a silly Hollywood chase ending) but too scary for little ones for sure.

The Box:: A silently creeping film about a seemingly well off family who selfishly chose another human's demise to line their pockets. Little do they know that the alien Frank Langella is testing them and their failure spells our doom!! In the Box 2, Langella teams up with Keanu to destroy the planet. Hey, it's just as ridiculous as this movie already is. The creepy doesn't work, the family has no chemistry and the 70's were ugly and thus, so is this movie. SKIP!