John Carter Reviewed

There is no doubt that Disney makes an animated feature like no other, but their live action endeavors tend to be hit or miss. On one hand, we have the Pirates of the Caribbean movies...which are a guilty pleasure of mine even when they make little sense. On the other, we have films like Condorman, Race to Witch Mountain and to a lesser degree (but relevant to this review), Tron: Legacy. While many seemed to like the revitalization and to an extent, re-imagination of Tron, many more seemed to find it long winded, over complicated and fantastically nonsensical. Now, Disney continues this unfortunate tradition with John Carter.

John is a tormented man digging into rock in the hopes of finding his fortune in gold as the denizens of the old west call him mad. A run in with government men who seem to want him for military talents he had long forsaken drives him to a chance encounter with an alien visitor and blamo, our broody hero is off to Mars. There he finds his Earthling physiology allows him to jump farther, punch harder and be more bare-chestier than any red-orange skinned Martian could ever hope to be. Without giving too much of the story away, John is taken in by native 4 armed aliens who treat him like a pet/weapon until a Martian princess literally falls into his lap. The princess is running from a forced marriage to an evil blue ray powered overlord and wants John to help lead her people to victory. Meanwhile, the very aliens responsible for John’s trip to Mars are pulling the strings behind the scenes to steer the future of the planet in their desired direction. Confused yet? Try it in 3D.

So we’ve got several story lines going on at once here…

1. The 4 armed, green Tharks’ leader, Tars Tarkas (voiced by Willem Dafoe), looks to lead his horde to victory against rival hordes, with the help of John Carter, but signs of mercy in his heart (hearts?) may be his undoing.
2. The Martian princess Dejah Thoris (who is also a scientist and very competent warrior…which is of course the triple threat on Mars) seeks to harness the mysterious blue wave to empower her people against red caped marauders and their amorous leader who would marry her, if she doesn’t behead him first.
3. Failing that, Dejah would recruit John Carter to her cause…or unravel the alien powers he possesses to empower her people…or utilize his alien technology to empower her people…or all three. She’s easy. Not like that.
4. Would be world conqueror Sab Than wants to conquer Mars, natch’ …with the help of an alien being (Mark Strong as Matai Shang) who has his own agenda. Getting hitched to Dejah is part of that plan, and a bonus, to be sure. She has fantastic Martian cleavage.
5. The aliens seem to want Sab to gain control of the planet, but remark that any Martian with a brain, hands to work and the will to crush their enemies under his boot heel will do…so..there’s that. They aren’t the nicest of folks and they have all the time in the world to get what they want.
6. Meanwhile, John Carter doesn’t want a part in any of it. Like any good broody hero, he has a dark past filled with love and loss. Now all he seems good for is bearing his chest and glistening in the mid day sun…OH..and JUMPING!
   

This parade of tired scifi soap opera themes made me long for a viewing of Flash Gordon, where the aliens may look cheesy but you get to have FUN!! Couldn’t we have some FUN in this Disney film? Two plus hours of scowling and grunting and characters pleading with other characters to do..something. Any time we leave the green skinned Tharks behind, you’ll beg for their return as you quickly realize they provide the only moments of levity, action or emotional weight in this dreary, over complicated, would-be epic.

Another problem I had with John Carter is more the fault of being exposed to subject matter like this all my life. In truth, John Carter of Mars is a story that came before them all, but therein lies the catch. After countless forms of media have borrowed from the source material, you can be sure you’ve seen it all already. Sure, we are now getting it in the highest definition possible, but when the 3D is nothing to shout about and the writing is headache inducing, all we have to fall back on is lovely costuming, excellent scenery and air ships ripped right from Final Fantasy. The more I talk about this film, the more it sounds like Tron: Legacy doesn’t it? Perhaps I am making too many excuses for the film’s shoddy execution. After all, Lord of the Rings had just as much dust piled atop its legendary pages when it came to the big screen and yet I loved all three installments.

There seems to be something essential missing in John Carter. Through scenes of nearly super human battle with aliens that should be blowing my mind, oddly, I find what is lost is humanity. I feel no connection or chemistry between John Carter and his inevitable love interest, Dejah. In fact, I feel no connection between John Carter and any creature in this film, save for the giant, eight legged Flash Dog! This seems to be the only character Carter is willing to show genuine affection toward. To make matters worse, with nothing substantial to chew on, acting performances go flat across the board. Taylor Kitsch furrows his brow for the entirety of this film. Scowling does not convey emotion for me. Lynn Collins does manage to throw a coy look now and then, but defaults to a look of stern resolution or an equally intense scowl far too often. All in my party agreed the stand out of the film was James Purefoy as Kantos Kan, who is the only character allowed to smile and even remotely goof around in a scene! As I write this, I’m not even 100% sure I’m naming the right character, as I swear he was just as stone faced and/or scowly as everyone else in the rest of the film. Point of fact, we counted only 2..maybe three small jokes in the entirety of the film, one of which is used to the point of no longer being funny. This is a film in dire need of an Indiana Jones. Where’s the sense of adventure??!!

John Carter is a film devoid of happiness. It’s like Disney re-making Dune without the hope of a brighter future. The Tharks war, knock each other around and even torture the weakest among them. The red caped Martians War with the blue caped Martians while the sneaky, god-like (though still mortal) uber aliens plot against them all. And then there’s John…who just wants to sit and brood with his gold. Two hours of this mess. This is certainly not a Disney movie for children and if you are the least bit tired, this tedious film isn’t for you either. You've already seen everything this film has to offer in the endless stills, clips and trailers released. Save some cash and spare yourself the pain of sitting through the rest.

D23 : John Carter Footage Breakdown

We took a moment to survive a category 1 hurricane but now we are BACK into our D23 roundup with Steve Sievers of level27media.com giving us a rundown of all the wonders Disney had on display. Plenty to ooo and ahh at still to come! For now, we jump back into the Disney Films presentation for a little John Carter action...

Sean Bailey, President of Productions of Walt Disney came out to talk about John Carter. This 3D movie is based on the 1911 novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs who is most famous as the author of Tarzan. Sean introduces Producer Jim Morris and director Andrew Stanton to the stage. Andrew talks about how he read the books and 1970's Marvel comic book series as a kid and has been picturing this movie in his head since then. The movie follows John Carter, a Civil War veteran from Virginia who goes through a cave and is transported to Mars. There he finds himself amid the chaos of war and learns that with less gravity he is now stronger and can jump higher than the natives. The stars of the films hit the stage including Taylor Kitsch who plays John Carter (from TV’s Friday Night Lights & Gambit in the Wolverine movie. I personally think it is about time he got a lead in an action movie!) Lynn Collins comes out next. She plays Dejah Thoris who guides John Carter on his adventure on Mars. Willem Dafoe is last on stage, playing Tars Tarkas, the alien from Mars. Willem's character is CG in the film but he wore a grey motion capture suit on set and had to walk around on stilts in the desert. Willem talked about how he had to train for weeks before shooting to figure out not only how to walk on the stilts but act on them as well. Lucky he didn't have any falls out on the rugged terrain. Taylor Kitsch was proud to say he did most of his own stunts!

Next up: Eye Candy! First, they showed the trailer ..

Then they showed a bunch of clips from the film. Here’s the skinny:

1: John Carter first wakes up on Mars. He comes across a nest of alien eggs hatching with these cute babies crawling around. An alien group is riding these alien looking horses (you get the picture..it’s an alien jamboree) across the plains. One of them throws a spear at John. John jumps out of the way and quickly learns that he can jump way higher than he normally could. One of the aliens gets off his horse and pleads to his fellow aliens to not hurt John. It is Tars Tarkas, who tries to communicate with John (the aliens don't speak English.) Tars drops his gun and the spears he has on his back. He tries to get John to jump again because no one has ever seen that before. John does it, but jumps over Tars to the weapons he has left at the bottom of the hill. One of the other aliens, still on his ride, starts to fire his gun at John but Tars shields him from the bullet. END OF CLIP

2: John Carter wakes up in a jail cell with his hands chained to the wall. The camera pans down and we see that the cute, newly hatched aliens from the first clip are on the ground around him sleeping with many of them curled up in his lap with legs like little puppy dogs. Many women in the audience can be heard saying Awww how cute. (GOLD!) John uses his Mars super strength to break free. He starts to explore and meets his new best friend, an alien dog with 12 legs. The dog instantly falls in love with John and all it wants to do is lick his face. John tries to run away but the dog keeps following him. Finally John does his super jump to get away, but every time he does this, the dog appears next to him. During the next jump, we see the dog uses his 12 legs to run as fast as the Flash and is able to climb up the rocky terrain without hesitation. END OF CLIP

3: John Carter has his warrior gear on (what he wears in the trailer) and is in the private chambers of Dejah Thoris (she looks just like a human.. seems human or human-like aliens are a race on Mars.) She is a princess and is being forced to marry someone from a rival (tribe?) on Mars to try and keep the peace. At this point you can tell that she and John have fallen in love. John is trying to talk her out of the marriage. She attempts to give him a blue medallion and have him speak an oath to become leader of (I would assume) her warrior clan. Meanwhile the door is getting knocked on and people are trying to break in. She tells John she has no choice and looks down at his finger at the wedding ring he wears (we assume he is married to someone back on Earth.) She starts to teach him the oath and as he repeats it, the medallion begins to glow. He stops on the last phrase of the oath and she yells at him to "Say it!" Meanwhile the door bursts open and people come rushing in to her chambers ask "are you ok?" Yes, she replies. "Are you alone in here?" She sadly turns her back and a tear comes out "Yes...I am alone." END OF CLIP

4: John and Tars are sentenced to death and are in gladiator arena that looks straight out of a scene from Star Wars : Attack of the Clones when they are on Geonosis. John’s left ankle is handcuffed with a long chain to the wall while Tars is injured on his right side and holds his wound in agony. A gate opens and a huge White Ape with 4 arms emerges. The ape attacks Tars and John but both keep dodging out of its way. John is trying his best to pull the chain out of the wall to free himself. The audience in the arena are cheering loudly and we see someone in a kingly-type press box say "Release the other one." Another gate opens and a second giant white ape with four arms comes out. END OF CLIP

Check out more images from D23 by CLICKING HERE!

Triad Takes on John Carter of Mars

There can be no doubt that most of the mind blowing work coming out of the land of collectibles today is in the 12 inch figure range. Hot Toys may rule the planet in this format, but a little company called triad toys is looking to stake their claim on a piece of that pie. Today, we learned about their John Carter of Mars project and since there is barely anything out there from this property AND the pieces are sufficiently incredible, we will share!














JOHN CARTER OF MARS 12 INCH FIGURE

Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Mars Trilogy has been hailed as one of the most influential science fiction series of this century. Edgar Rice Burroughs started writing his Martian adventures in 1911, and even though science claims there is no life on Mars his stories remain vibrant and timeless tales, because Burroughs knew the appeal and power of the Martian myth. Writers like Ray Bradbury and scientists like Carl Sagan have acknowledged that Burroughs' Martian tales were the wellspring from which their own careers arose.

With his opening trilogy - considered one of the landmarks of science fiction - Burroughs created a vast and sweeping epic. Captain John Carter of the Confederate Army is whisked to Mars and discovers a dying world of dry ocean beds where giant four-armed barbarians rule, of crumbling cities home to an advanced but decaying civilization, a world of strange beasts and savage combat, a world where love, honor and loyalty become the stuff of adventure. The world of Barsoom.

In eleven books, Burroughs takes the reader all around the Red Planet (and even to Jupiter), while the action and excitement never let up. With his combination of super science and swordplay, not only will Edgar Rice Burroughs' Martian tales provide thrills a-plenty, but you'll also discover that without Burroughs there probably never would have been modern science fiction as we know it!















John Carter of Mars 12 Inch figure features:
- New Triad Toys Evolution body with over 35 points of articulation
- Helmet
- Cape
- Hand-made leather chest harness
- Hand-made leather waist, arms, and leg harness
- Leather boots with magnets for use with Bullet Time stand
- Pistol with side holster
- Full metal sword and scabbard
- Four (4) pairs of hands

You'll also be able to score a TARS TARKAS M|X FORMAT 1/4 SCALE MIXED MEDIA FORMAT FIGURE, putting it at a height to tower over John Carter. For those not well versed in statues, mixed media means some of the little straps on the piece are real and not molded to the body. This statue is limited to 200 pieces world wide. Preorders are open right now on Triadtoys.com, for shipping this coming 4th quarter.

Willem Dafoe Talks Daybreakers, Vamps, and Going to Mars

Click on the man..the myth...the legend!

Today's Movie News Recap

For those not following me on Twitter yet..

Willem Dafoe is psyched that shooting is starting on John Carter of Mars next week. He was shown piles of art and is excited by what they are about to create, but will say no more at the moment.



Michael and Peter Spierig are hammering out the details of Captain Blood, saying this will be a unique experience. The film is still based on the Rafael Sabatini classic novel, but the Spierig version takes the swashbuckling tale into SciFi territory! Can't wait to see what that looks like. Here's hoping they crank out a steam punk epic. This project isn't even technically in pre-production yet, so stay tuned for news as it develops.



And as a bonus..here's Ethan Hawke busting out a guitar! Why, you ask? Is there a musical number in Daybreakers (out this friday)?? Keep watching Dread Central for all the answers.