Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Prepare For Zhu Zhumageddon!!

Man's greed can lead to horrific acts some people never recover from. We scorch the landscape with reckless abandon, never knowing how far reaching our acts may be. This is a cautionary tale.

Christmas 2009: Parents flood toy stores looking for the hottest holiday toy of the year. Small..inexpensive...adorable...a recipe for disaster. Scalpers form muscle car strike teams and strip deliver trucks clean before they even reach their destination. On ebay, prices surge to tripple digits. Zhu Zhu Pets rule all they can see around them.
Previously, the gentle creatures of the Zhu Nation worked on their cooperative farms and held weekly masquerade dances for fun, community bonding and the finding of mates. Their brightly colored hybrid cars hummed along the tubed roadways quietly. All was tranquil. Then came the Holiday Season of 2009, when the world discovered their irresistible little furry faces and could no longer live without them. Seemingly overnight, an astonishing tsunami of wealth flooded in and along with it, catalogs for Sharper Image, Ikea and Sean John. With tiny little IPhones in hand, they ordered everything their hearts desired...but with new possessions came the urgency to protect it.

Driven mad with power by the constant pursuit of hot soccer moms and the sale of their brethren into suburban captivity, the Zhunitites splintered into two primary warrior cultures. The first resembled the branches of the American Military. The second, Japanese robo/samurai/ninja society. The little squeaking Zhus tattooed their bodies to show their allegiance to all they encountered and built far reaching, colossal walls to keep strangers out. It is said the Japanese-esque warriors even hired Simply Red to perform an eternal concert just beyond the castle walls as a distraction...and a warning to all who dared attempt an attack.

Those meatiest of Zhus are plucked from their mother's teets at birth and brought to training camps. The Special Forces hamsters get the ultimate training on the Alpha Training Grounds. If they can climb the cargo net, crawl through mud under barbwire while dodging ammo, defeat the obstacle wall, crawl across the rope bridge and beat the attack dummy, they have completed this training and are ready for a Kung Zhu battle! Meanwhile, in the Ninja Warrior Training Center, Ninja Warriors will cross the log bridge, leap across the stepping stones, trying to avoid the blazing Katanas of fire and molten lava below, and run through the gauntlet of attack dummies to prepare for battle. Beware and prepare! Locked in constant battle in the arenas, a tiny little Zhuling grows to be a ruthless, unbreakable Kung Zhu Battle Master with the softest fur you could imagine. Seriously, pet these little guys. They'll growl the whole time but it's soooo cute. Whose a little viscious snuggle warrior? YOU ARE! Yesss you are.

Thus, the arms race began. Now calling themselves Special Forces, generals Stonewall, Serge, Rock'O and Duke commissioned high tech battle armor to deflect attacks and compensate for their teeny little paws. Now the sounds of exploding missiles will replace their cutsey little cooing!! Not to be outmatched, the elite Kung Zhu Ninja Warriors Yama, Azer, Drayko and Thorn develop state of the art weaponized battle suits, allowing them utilize the ancient fighting weapons of Japan and fire them where the sun don't shine to destroy their enemies. DEATH FROM ABOVE!! You thought I was going to yell Bonsai, didn't you. Racist.

After a time, it becomes painfully obvious that both nations are equally matched, so the tiny, fuzzywuzzy, ridiculously, intolerably adorable Zhu scientists began stripping down the hybrid cars to craft monstrous, smoke belching engines of DESTRUCTION!! Massive buzzsaws, gattling guns, surface to air missiles and insect like pincers clash against think steel hides like ancient gargantuan Dinosaurs locked in mortal kombat...with bazookas. Each week, the scientists send the robotic juggernauts into the wasteland to battle enemy forces while the Zhu populace watches American Idol. The horror. And so it has been for...very nearly four months now. The Kung Zhu battle is coming to your homes this May. Protect your loved ones. ALERT THE WORLD!!!

NOTE: Products shown in the images are REAL toys...they just don't run around the wasteland searching for gas and fertile women. We made up most of the stories, so no suing. Nuff said.

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