Friday, November 18, 2011

10 Most Awesome on Screen Births of All Time

In honor of Twilight: Breaking Dawn and their insane demon baby birthing scene you'll have to see to believe...or have it described to you in detail if you have a weak constitution for such things as Twilight...we decided to compile a list of awesome film moments where a new life comes into this get the picture. WARNING: Due to the nature of this subject and the fact that we live in the future and therefore can show you most of the actual scenes from these shows and've been warned! In no particular order...

10. V: The Final Battle: This is the price you pay for getting it on with your lizard usurpers. Dear, your first child will be very popular with the high school boys..for reasons you'll find out diring breast feeding. Your second child..well...we think he is possessed by the immortal spirit of Roger Corman..or a Ghoulie...or has discovered the secret of the ooze from the teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Either way..we had to put that second kid in a sack and toss it off a bridge. I'm sure he'll come back in 20 years as Killer Croc or some such monster. K?

9. Dawn of the Dead: When the woman you love gets bit amid a zombie apocalypse, she's toast. You've just got to accept that. When she's pregnant, whatever is in her belly is going to come out ready to gum you to death. TO DEATH!!

8. Xtro: Remember that mention on The Family Guy of Lois going through hell giving birth to Chris because he was HUGE?! ain't seen nothin yet. I full expect some women in the audience to cross their legs in agony at the sight of this one.

7. The Brood: Evil little people they are kids or lil demons or whatever form they take. They bite your knees, use toys to pummel you, jump on your back and squeeze your head til it's just bad news. The Brood features a whole day camp full of these viscous little creeps and the mommy that gave birth to them all. The magic happens about 3 minutes in...but be warned..this one is extra gooey!

6. The Fly: In the 1986 remake, Geena Davis has a nightmare where she pushes out a baby maggot. Well..they can't all look like Brad Pitt after being squished up in a belly for 9 months! Lesson learned; this is what happens when you allow a super powered Jeff Goldblum to sex you up. And now you know.

5. Gozu: My second favorite "What the hell is that giant thing coming out of that woman's extra-dimensional vagina??!!" moment! The best comment on YouTube says "That's not what he meant by a Hand Job". I love the interwebs.

4. Men in Black: Not all birth scenes have to be "ooky" to be awesome. In the best horror films, less is more. This also stands for comedic moments where vagina tentacles toss around Will Smith who is assisting in the birth of an adorable squid baby in the background of this scene. It's a classic!

3. Slither: You're saying "That's not a conventional birth scene.." but hell, didn't we just feature two scenes where full grown men crawl out of a woman's baby tunnel??! Here we have a young lady ready to birth an entire alien species...of slug monsters.

2. Alien Resurrection: Tired of seeing aliens shockingly bursting forth from their human mother's womb? Let's throw in a bit of a tweest. The Alien Queen is impregnated with an alien-human hybrid..just for the sake of mad science I suppose.

1. Basket Case 3: The Progeny: My favorite tale of twin brothers separated and later reunited for mayhem and MURDER!! It bears mentioning that one of the brothers is nearly half a man, but apparently that is enough to knock up a freaky chick! Witness the baby Belial births as they are yanked from the womb like a barrel-o-monkeys game. If the resulting family were stars of a reality show, I'd watch it until my brain oozed out my ears.

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