Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 Reviewed

The sky is blue, the birds are singing but inexplicably...THERE IS NO SPARKLING!!! The latest episode of the Twilight Saga forgoes all that twinkling crap for wolf punching, extreme anorexia, psychic werewolf debate, the roast of Bella and Edward and heaps of intense, burning stares the likes of which would bring a mortal man to his knees. Drop in on Dread Central to read all about the lives..the loves...and a birthing scene stranger than that time puppets had a baby on Thunderbirds. Really..it happened...look it up! CLICK HERE for a review of the third greatest film birth of all time!!

Note: The second was in The Fly remake. Don't debate me on this.

Watch The Twilight Saga : Breaking Dawn Premiere LIVE

Ahh..the things I do for you. Once a year, subject myself to these sparkling, angst ridden vampires and broody, shirtless werewolves to bring back a review of an experience that hopefully didn't scar me for life. IT'S ALL FOR YOU, DAMIEN!!! Today, the next installment of the tween favorite series hits the big screen for its world premiere and the PR Gods have deemed you worthy to watch the action at the emo carpet!

The official live stream of THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1 world premiere will be produced by NowLive and hosted exclusively by Yahoo! on Monday, November14 at 8:00 PM ET/5:00 PM PT. See it right here when the clock strikes 8!

The HD live stream will be the biggest production yet for a Twilight Saga premiere, featuring the most comprehensive coverage of the red carpet with 5 hosts on two interview platforms including the talent's first stop at the main stage and a multi-camera setup with 8 cameras, including the following vantage points:
Main Stage Interview Platform
Arrivals Cam
Fashion Cam
Bird's Eye View
Fan Cam
Fans at home can watch online & via their mobile handheld & tablet devices. The hashtag for the event is #BreakingDawnLive

During the online live stream fans will have the opportunity to submit questions for the stars via Yahoo! Movies’ Facebook page (http://facebook.com/yahoomovies)

You're welcome.

Les Grossman VS Robert Pattinson

I wish that Tom Cruise would attend the MTV Movie Awards as Les Grossman and red carpet interview everyone. Imagine that he's actually a comedy improv master?? All this time?? That would be amazing. At any rate, the true star of Tropic Thunder makes an appearance on an MTV Movie Awards commercial. It's Les Grossman prepping sparkling Twilight start Robert Pattinson for the big show, particularly with some advice on what to to with the hair. Next I'd like to see Les Grossman describing to Britney Spears, in great detail, exactly the areas he would like to see waxed. Let's watch...

The First Twilight: Eclipse Trailer

Ahhh yes..the sparkling in the trees continues!!

Summit 2010 Preview

Most of the slate is heavy drama and emo love story claptrap, so let's take a look at the movies you MIGHT sit in on, when the time comes. For my buck, the magic words are Bruce Willis and guns.

FURRY VENGEANCE

Starring
BRENDAN FRASER, BROOKE SHIELDS

Directed by Roger Kumble

Written by Michael Carnes and Josh Gilbert


“FURRY VENGEANCE” is a live action family comedy in which an ambitious young real estate developer, Dan Sanders, faces off with a band of angry animals when his new housing subdivision pushes too far into a pristine part of the wilderness. Led by an incredibly clever raccoon, the animals stymie the development and teach our hero about the environmental consequences of man’s encroachment on nature.

U.S. release via Summit Entertainment, April 2, 2010.

RED

Starring BRUCE WILLIS, MORGAN FREEMAN, HELEN MIRREN, and MARY LOUISE PARKER

Directed by ROBERT SCHMENTKE

Frank Moses, a former black-ops CIA agent, is now living a quiet life. That is, until the day a hi-tech assassin shows up intent on killing him. With his secret identity compromised and his love interest in danger, Frank must reassemble his old team to figure out who is out to get them.

Currently in pre-production. U.S. release via Summit Entertainment, Fall 2010

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE

Starring
Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Nikki Reed, Kellan Lutz, Jackson Rathbone and Dakota Fanning

Based on the Novel “Eclipse” by Stephenie Meyer / Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg

Directed by David Slade


In ECLIPSE, Bella once again finds herself surrounded by danger as Seattle is ravaged by a string of mysterious killings and a malicious vampire continues her quest for revenge. In the midst of it all, she is forced to choose between her love for Edward and her friendship with Jacob — knowing that her decision has the potential to ignite the struggle between vampire and werewolf. With her graduation quickly approaching, Bella is confronted with the most important decision of her life.


U.S. release via Summit Entertainment, June 30, 2010.

THE GHOSTWRITER

Directed by ACADEMY AWARD® WINNER ROMAN POLANSKI

Written by ACADEMY AWARD® WINNER ROMAN POLANSKI AND BEST-SELLING NOVELIST ROBERT HARRIS

Starring EWAN MCGREGOR , PIERCE BROSNAN, KIM CATTRALL, OLIVIA WILLIAMS, TOM WILKINSON, TIMOTHY HUTTON, AND ELI WALLACH

Produced by ACADEMY AWARD® NOMINEES ROMAN POLANSKI, ROBERT BENMUSSA & ALAIN SARDE

When a successful British ghostwriter, THE GHOST, agrees to complete the memoirs of former British Prime Minister ADAM LANG, his agent assures him it’s the opportunity of a lifetime. But the project seems doomed from the start—not least because his predecessor on the project, Lang’s long-term aide, died in an unfortunate accident.

The Ghost flies out to work on the project, in the middle of winter, to an oceanfront house on an island off the U.S. Eastern seaboard. But the day after he arrives, a former British cabinet minister accuses Lang of authorizing the illegal seizure of suspected terrorists and handing them over for torture by the CIA—a war crime. The controversy brings reporters and protesters swarming to the island mansion where Lang is staying with his wife, RUTH, and his personal assistant (and mistress), AMELIA. As The Ghost works, he begins to uncover clues suggesting his predecessor may have stumbled on a dark secret linking Lang to the CIA—and that somehow this information is hidden in the manuscript he left behind. Was Lang in the service of the American intelligence agency while he was prime minister? And was The Ghost’s predecessor murdered because of the appalling truth he uncovered?

Resonating with topical themes, this atmospheric and suspenseful political thriller is a story of deceit and betrayal on every level— sexual, political and literary. In a world in which nothing, and no one, is as it seems, The Ghost quickly discovers that the past can be deadly—and that history is decided by whoever stays alive to write it.

Currently in Post-production. U.S. release via Summit Entertainment Spring 2010.

The Twilight Puppet Saga: New Moon

courtesy of SpookyDan.com!

Movie Ushers to Twilight Fans: "GO HOME!"

It's no mystery to any movie loving soul that Twilight: New Moon opened this weekend, raking in over 140 million in it's first days of moaning infancy. The crowds seem to mirror video footage of ladies watching The Beatles and Michael Jackson (in other countries), though maybe without much of the frantic behavior behind it. They sure do have the screaming down! An usher from an undisclosed location in New Jersey dropped me an email to weigh in on the psychotica she observed on opening night. Keep in mind the writer is young(ish) and wrote this shortly after her ordeal...

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Why Twilight, (Or as I constantly refer to it as-Twatlight), is such a phenomenon, is beyond me. It's emo, bland, cheesy, whiny, and just damn idiotic. Yet, all these dumbass tweenyboppers flock to it like it is a frigging life or death situation. They clearly believe vampires are real and that they do indeed sparkle, which leads me to believe that they have not one ounce of a brain in their heads.

Working Twilight opening night last year was ridiculous. Hundreds of people lined up hours ahead of time, all decked out in their Twatlight shirts. They screamed at everything, all while on the frigging line!! We had to expand our holding areas just to make room for these dumb asses. When us ushers had to open the ropes for them, they ran like Godzilla was about to eat them, (If only he had). I would walk into the theater just to watch their stupid reactions and, boy, was it ear piercing. Whenever Bella or Edward (what immensely cheesy names) appeared on the screen with their useless expressions, these girls screamed their lungs out. It was just plain annoying and unnecessary.

Now working opening night for New Moon this year, I knew it'd be worse, and it was. This time, the shows all sold out and later shows began to in advance. They did their typical routine of getting here hours ahead of time. We put them in holding areas that can only contain so many of those wasteful lifeforms. They lined up throughout our lobby because these lines were long. Everywhere I looked, all I saw were these idiot girls (and adults too) standing there in their waste of money Twatlight shirts. "Team Jacob", "Team Edward". I love how they root for this Jacob dude, knowing he does not get the anorexic bitch!! You read the crap filled books now didn't you?? We all know you spent your parents cash on these tree killer books.

Each time us ushers went past, they gave us the look of, "Let us the hell in!". Myself, being an avid Twatlight hater, wore my "Twilight Sucks" pin with pride. They did not like this. I like good franchises, fools. "Have you ever seen Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings?" I wanted to ask them but let's face it, they probably can't even spell Mississippi or count backwards due to their lack of intelligence. Hell, how smart can one be if they truly believe vampires shimmer in the sun? They frigging burn you suckers!

Whenever we opened the ropes, it was the usual run for your lives to the theater fiasco. But this year, they screamed louder and shoved each other harder. In the theater, not one seat was empty compared to last year. 500 seat theaters were sold out. It is utterly ridiculous for this piece of crap. Because this was wayyyyyyy bigger than last year's opening night, we had to run around constantly to clean up their HORRENDOUS messes, so I barely had time to go into the theaters to watch these idiots, but I caught them at the film's brainless ending. When that happens, these twats burst out loud with gasps and screams as if, like I said before, they didn't know this was coming!! They act like it was truly a shock!! Come on now! They cheer on end for endless minutes while the credits roll with yet another bland "song".

Then I watch them finally get off of their Abercrombie asses to leave, but do they leave in peace? Hell no. They open their yaps and all I hear were nails on a chalkboard about the damn movie. "OMG I LOVED THAT PART!!" "POOR JACOB!! THAT ENDING!! GASP!!" I even saw girls crying. CRYING!!!! The pretty boy werewolf lost the ugly ho to an expressionless "vampire", boo hoo. Give me your address so I can send you flowers. Jesus. Don't even get me started on the messes we cleaned that took FOREVER. They threw their paper towels into mountain piles in the bathrooms.

Overall, it was hell all night. It was the worst night I have ever worked at the theater and I have been there almost 2 years. The night felt never ending. I came home with my joints achy as hell. It's sad how society flocks to this shit. This series was written by a sad housewife who was bored and probably wanted to write out a fantasy her own tween self dreamed of. That is a lame life for any kid. I've been forced to watch both movies days ago and it was needles in my eyes and ears. I got halfway through number one and fell asleep on and off throughout number 2. The dialogue, story, characters, "action", "acting", look, "actors", just everything are downright terrible, wasteful, useless and ludicrous. Every Twatlighter out there needs to watch The Lost Boys. Now those, my little dumb asses, are real vampires.

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So, yea, she felt strongly about this. In the interest of fairness, I thought I might grab one of the die hard fans off of the IMDB forums for the film to answer some of the questions posed in the above rant like "How can you watch this??" and "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!!??!!" Well, not really, but she graciously answered some questions on why she liked the film. Her name is "Erica Says Go Dance" ...and she loves the Twilight...

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I consider myself a pretty big fan of this franchise and there are multiple reasons for it. I am a huge fan of fantasy and have been for all my life. This series embodies all of my favorite aspects of fantasy, namely the supernatural elements, and the romance factor. I don't scream for the actors, I scream because I love this series soo much and am excited that a visual personification of it is being unveiled. I love the stimulus of the crowd and it just gets you hyped up.

Even though I knew what was going to happen, I found myself delving headfirst into the movie and really concentrating on the plot line. Having prior knowledge actually helped me stay focused on the movie since I was excited to see how my favorite scenes were gonna play out on the screen. I didn't compare the book scenes against the movie scenes until after the movie was over though. When you have read passages from a book for years, its totally satisfying to have a visual companion to it.

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Wow. That was..more coherent than I expected. Honestly, when you dislike a movie this much, it's easy to get caught up in bashing the fans that loved it completely, and I suppose I'm guilty of that to a degree. Regardless of what anyone thinks, an over 200 million world wide take (and growing) is astounding and slams one simple fact upside your head.

THIS MOVIE FRANCHISE IS NOT GOING AWAY ANY TIME SOON.

BEWARE.

Full Frontal: Twilight: New Moon

It’s that time again! All the little girls of the world are jumping around like they have to take a bathroom break, bursting with anticipation for the day when their dear Edward slow walks across the big screen again, all slack-jawed and lazy-eyed like the vampire equivalent of Garfield. Surely, The Twilight Saga: New Moon will destroy at the box office this weekend with advance ticket sales alone, but beyond all the sparkle, there is a dark side. I feel that after this movie is released, we will have to hold a telethon for those poor boys (and girls for that matter) talked into taking a friend to this film. They leave, shambling like zombies, eyes vacant, scratching their head in disbelief, and, if I’m not mistaken, looking a bit older ... beaten by life. As you have already calculated, this is not a review. It’s a cautionary tale.

Bella (Stewart) loves Edward (Pattinson) with the passion only a slip of a teenage girl with very few facial expressions can muster. Edward loves Bella so deeply he feels their souls are intertwined. Unfortunately, Edward is a vampire (in a fashion), and part of his desire for Bella is tainted by his monstrous urge to taste her blood between his lips. Nevertheless, Edward has vowed he will always keep her safe and waits for her wherever she goes, standing a short distance away in a stylish sport coat and slacks, looking off into the woods for no apparent reason. Theirs is a love so tragic that when their lips meet, it causes them to groan in agony ... quite literally. THEIRS is a love SO POWERFUL that Edward must move half a world away in the hopes Bella can have a normal life, but he still remains spiritually tethered to her when danger is near.

When Edward takes off for parts unknown, Bella is torn apart, staring longingly out her window as the months fade away (just like the book, kids!!), each night spent screaming into her pillow as if she’d just been told she can’t go to Jackie’s make-out party. Her dreams torment her, and distancing herself from the few friends she has just makes matters worse. In walks Jacob Black (Lautner), a boy who, we are constantly reminded, is younger than Bella but cares for her as best he can, though it’s obvious he has a seething hatred for Edward and his kind. Jacob and Bella become closer as he agrees to repair some motorcycles for her, the damage coming as a result of her attempt to taste death and feel Edward close to her, if for only a fleeting moment. When it seems Jacob might make the pain of loss fade away, the boy chops off his hair and joins a gang of wayward youths who loiter around the woods with no shirts on. TRAGIC!!! Of course, we already know Jacob and his shirtless company are werewolves (again, in a fashion), and ... umm ... do you really want to hear the rest of this? It’s all in the trailer. Wolf boys go grrrrr. Jacob doesn’t want to hurt Bella. Bella looks cross-eyed a lot. And Victoria and Laurent have returned for revenge.

The original Twilight gang is back with the emotional weight of a poorly rehearsed high school production. Stewart painfully forces her anguish, unrelentingly, on the audience as she struggles to make it all work. Whether it is successful in the eyes of the pre-teen girls it is meant for remains to be seen, but I can attest that the book-loving/older teen audience in attendance with me were writhing in their seats. Never have two hours felt like six in such a way before. Those hoping for brief relief via battle scenes and/or vamp/wolfie action will find themselves floundering in a sea of low grade love story muck as the drama drags on. Stewart delivers a great deal of her lines into Lautner’s buff chest as he masters his stern “pout and sigh” maneuver before running off into the night. Pattinson and Stewart seem to recoil in pain when they get too close to each other. You’d think someone would have asked them to bring down the intensity just a little bit! Somewhere there’s a soap opera cast going, "WOW ... overact much?"

Thankfully, New Moon’s supporting actors seem to know they are in a movie that will be watched, begrudgingly, by millions and bring their skills to the table. Bella’s little circle of friends allows for some dorky teen moments in-between the melodrama, but the scenes they follow almost beg for them to make fun. Instead of taking jabs at Bella’s albino boyfriend, the script attempts to insert some light comedy with disastrous results. Thank the lord for Ashley Greene as Alice Cullen, who brightens up every scene with FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND EMOTION and is so likable, I’d willingly go to see a spin-off movie with her as the main attraction. Hell, even Jackson Rathbone’s Jasper has become a point of unintentional comedy with his look of immortal indigestion, a most welcome distraction amid the doldrums of this infinitely one-note film.

The look of New Moon has not strayed far from the original film, though we are spared the continual sweeps across the forest canopy. With a larger pool of characters, the film shows a more expansive landscape from the cliffs at the edge of the treeline to winding cobblestone streets of some Italian town. New Moon seems to want to attain "epic" status, but the story just isn’t there to support it. A brief trip across the water does not an epic make. Pattinson sports the same, all too pale makeup that doesn’t seem to continue fluidly down his neck with rosy red lips shining brightly. The look is so comical that when it's coupled with the shimmering diamond effect we are treated to whenever Edward hits the sun, you can’t help but laugh. This, alongside the overly dramatic mannerisms of anyone outside of the Cullen family, makes it hard for us to muster even the slightest creeps from what should be a horrific bunch. Imagine if the monster Muppets from Sesame Street suddenly attacked. They could be chewing on you, and you’d still go, "Ha! Look at his waggly arms!!" Twilight’s vampires fail in the same way. It’s all just too distracting. Meanwhile, in the forests of Forks run a tribe of scantly clad male models who transform into MEGA WOLVES!!! I say it like that because the look of the massive wolves they almost instantly transform into is definitely up there with the Syfy Channel’s greatest moments of sub-par CGI. (However, half a point is given for the cloud of ripped clothing left behind them, unlike the mystically disappearing garments of Blood and Chocolate.) I can’t help thinking the spoof of this movie should contain the boys giving the full monty in all their scenes with everyone else averting their eyes save Bella, whose gaze is eternally transfixed.

Amid two hours of emotional torment (for both the on-screen characters and us, the viewing audience), you can count on one ALMOST killer vampire battle at the Volturi stronghold, filmed almost entirely in slow motion naturally. The Volturi scenes are made more tolerable with the presence of Dakota Fanning as Jane, who is the only vamp in the film you might be a little wary of. Of course there’s Victoria as well, but it’s hard to feel menace from someone who runs through an entire movie.

Honestly, I REALLY tried to like this movie. My willingness to see it even after an extreme dislike for the first chapter should speak of my intent! The sad fact is this: The Twilight Saga: New Moon is even less of a horror movie than the first film. You couldn’t even call it a thriller. New Moon is a juvenile, overly dramatic love story that takes the Romeo and Juliet theme, duct tapes it around a giant, cartoonish hammer, and slams it into your head for 130 minutes to the point where you expect zombie Shakespeare to burst into the back of the theater screaming, "ENOUGH ALREADY!!" This movie is pain. Save yourself, if you can.

Originally posted on Dreadcentral.com

Twilight: New Moon Review Up NOW

Click the super emo poster and dive into the waters of PAIN!!!