Longlegs Reviewed by RP Madison

Everybody is talking about ‘Longlegs’. From the hyperbolic reviews promising the ‘Scariest Movie in decades’ to the lips of trusted colleagues, I was encouraged to witness this new spectacle of terror. It seems so many people in the horror community are rushing to theaters to see this thing, but here I am, telling you that maybe you shouldn’t. However, it’s not for the reasons you might think.

‘Longlegs’ is not a bad movie by any measure. It’s beautifully filmed. Every shot seems to have been meticulously arranged which, in a visual medium, at this point in history especially, is absolutely necessary. We can consider every inch of every frame we are presented with and that is no small task. The film's atmosphere is what people are taking with them, along with a career-best for producer and star, Nicholas Cage. In a role that could have been another typically whackadoo Cage outing, he transforms in a way that I don’t think we’ve seen from him before. 

I Watched INMATE ZERO So You Don't Have To

***Please note this will be the beginning of a series of reviews where I have already subjected myself to a fairly bad movie and to purge, I tell you all about it. That said, the entire piece is one big spoiler. You were warned!**

So I watched this movie called "Patients of a Saint". Very clever play on words as it's supposed to have something to do with experiments that go wrong..get it..Patients...only it takes place in a prison, making the title a moot point. Also when I was given the screener it was called Inmate Zero..so..yea. So, I jump in thinking it might be at least a sub-par zombie movie. The makeup was pretty damn good, the entire film is shot very high quality, the acting was pretty terrible and the writing was abysmal. The lead character is named "Stone", a super lanky woman with a shaved head that we are supposed to buy as ex special forces, a point they drive home several times as they mention it...several times..and then we see her kick some redneck's ass. It seems her special forces skills are abandoned for the rest of the movie as she spends most of it crying and not much else.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi Blu-ray Review

I'm going to start talking about this movie in a completely backward way, and right out of the gate, point out that I had NO IDEA there was a new kind of AT-AT in the film. As a massive toy geek, counting the AT-AT as once of my favorite Star Wars vehicles (I own 4), for me to not notice there was an entirely new AT-AT in The Last Jedi was troubling for me. I didn't have to go far for an answer, as it all stems from one reason. I was disengaged. Let's start from the top now.

**THIS IS GOING TO BE LOADED WITH SPOILERS!! DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU'VE ALREADY WATCHED THE FILM.**

Star Wars: The Last Jedi marks the third moment in history that the gatekeepers of the Star Wars mythos have allowed strangers to, in a word, mess with their sand box...on a massive scale. It was one thing to allow authors to create an expanded universe in novels (which they unceremoniously wiped clean in one pitiless stroke), but quite another to allow creators to impose their vision on such an iconic and, dare I say, revered property, and commit it to film for history to judge. Whenever this happens, we assume Disney will guide a creator along a pre-determined route, allowing the creator to tell a story within guidelines already set up, much like a comic book company would do. You tell your story, but you have to remember rules set down before...behaviors...history. Move along the same time line, advancing the narrative to what is hopefully a new and exciting conclusion.

Or you can just say that everything that happened before was crap and burn it all down.

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice Reviewed

Growing up with Superman as our iconic movie hero was an awesome thing. He had charisma, confidence, was straight laced enough to be taken seriously but good humored enough to be funny without begging for laughs. When Superman Returns was released, it was clear the film makers were trying to recapture some of that magic, but those wacky nuances of 70's/80's film are a product of their time and reproducing them in modern times, when completely serious about their impact, is a recipe for disaster. The result was not terrible, but fans could agree it was...odd. As if in answer to that riddle came Man of Steel. If the zany adventures of everyone around the original Superman were a product of the era, then Man of Steel should introduce a Superman who is at once an awe inspiring powerhouse and raw, emotional being struggling with his own morals and just looking for acceptance. It took me more than a couple of viewings to come to an understanding with Man of Steel, and while I've developed an appreciation for the first half of the film and the frail humanity of the character, the Superman I'd come to appreciate through comics and cartoons lived in a sunnier world. The symbol of hope on his chest rang true in Clark Kent's eternally positive disposition, even as comical counterpoint to Lois Lane's sarcastic view of...well...everything. In the face of adversity, Superman would find a way to protect humanity and prevail...and be damn near polite about the whole ordeal. It's a happy world, albeit constantly under siege from alien invaders, mad scientists and your occasional powered up baddie feeling brave enough to step up to an insanely powerful force for good.

Godzilla 2014 Reviewed

Going into a film, especially one based on a preexisting property, I'm usually able to do 2 things.

1. Piece together a story line from the endless trailers, clips and still photos released by the studio. These puzzle pieces also enable me to imagine where the rest of the film will go. Often, this is setting myself up for failure as, at the heights of my ego, I enjoy my own version of the film better than what actually happens.

2. Putting aside the direction a trailer/clips/stills seeks to steer you in all together, I'm able to formulate what tone I am expecting from a property. This is more a gut reaction than anything else.

Godzilla was a film so shrouded in mystery, you could not possibly hope to work out a story line beyond "Monsters attack...we do our best to NOT DIE". That very basic assessment would prove to be more complete than I could have dreamed.

Iron Man 3 Reviewed

New York City is still rebuilding after an attack from Loki and Alien forces, and the world at large is reeling from the knowledge that there are super powered beings among us. One of those heroes of New York is merely a man in a high tech suit, haunted by the enormity of those events and his place in it. As Tony Stark contemplates his frailty in the scheme of things, he compensates by creating a suit of armor for every conceivable threat or emergency, which leaves little time for sleep and healthy relationships.

Iron Man 3 opens on a haggard Tony Stark perfecting his 42nd suit of armor..one which will literally jump to his aid at his merest thought..which should tell you something about his mental state. The world has become a very dangerous place with The Mandarin threatening terrorist actions and our government getting nowhere with tracking him down or even plotting his next move. Luckily, we have War Machine, now repainted and renamed Iron Patriot, to defend us. Thrown into the mix is Aldrich Killian, a ghost from Tony's past who has remade himself into a slick rival and returned with a new technology that boasts the ability to upgrade our human abilities. Now the film evolves into a veritable game of chess. Tony becomes entangled in The Mandarin's plots and is also in the sights of Killian. Killian would add his genius to the scientific co-op dubbed A.I.M. (advanced idea mechanics), but if Tony were to refuse, The Mandarin might take him off the board completely, so it's a win win! The plot whizzes along with Tony struggling with his own personal eternal question;  "Is it the suit that makes the man..or the man that makes the suit", while his whole world explodes around him, leaving him more vulnerable than he has ever been. Iron Man and Iron Patriot must stop the Mandarin and reveal Killian's role in all this chaos before more innocents get caught in the crossfire.

Heather Buckley Muses on Jack Reacher

...and doesn't waste any time getting right to the meat of it.

Jack Reacher may have worked if it was shot in 1975 staring James Caan and Burt Young, but Tom Cruise is just not tough enough to deliver what the material needs. His Reacher may think he’s channeling Eastwood, but he just is not a badass. He’s Tom Cruise. Hollywood star. Wacky Scientologist. He couldn't bus Lee Marvin’s table at a bar. You need a grizzled worldly fucker in that role—quiet and weary, and yet a man of action—someone who challenges Henry Silva to arm wrestling and wins. Much like how the character is actually written by UK crime writer Jim Grant. In Grant's novels, Reacher is a mountain of a man, a typical pulp fiction drifter and anti-hero, a harsh character who knows the score. Bigger than life as these characters usually are; a sort of male superhero fantasy without the powers—but not a Cruise-style movie star.

Sucker Punch Review

High Concept is a term we throw out there when a movie is so bat shit crazy and over the top but at the same time introduces the audience to heaping helpings of amazing eye candy, the likes of which may have you grinning like a 6 yr old boy seeing a Batman movie for the first time. Sometimes they work...sometimes they give you a brain aneurysm. Sucker Punch is one such movie, not unlike the sticky, fevered dreams of those who create Final Fantasy films and video games. Scantly clad, super powered ninja girls battle Kung Fu robots, giant Samurai wielding gatling guns, Goblins, undead steampunk Nazis and even a fire breathing dragon in a series of dreamscapes conjured by a girl named Baby Doll who is desperately trying to break free from her hellish human confines. Is there more story than this? Nope...but the colors sure are pretty!!



Read the whole review on DREADCENTRAL.COM right now!

Check out more eye candy from the film HERE
See the cast and crew talk about the film HERE
Check out the character posters HERE
Pre-Order the Amber Sucker Punch Statue from Gentle Giant RIGHT HERE

Black Swan Review

Take a quick trip over to Dread Central to read my thoughts on the amazing Darren Aronofsky film Black Swan...which of course is playing in so few markets you will have to wait a while to see it. Seriously, why show so many trailers on TV and in front of movies if it is only going to open in LA and NY??!! Yeeesh. If all is right in the Universe, the movie will do amazing box office in the 5 lousy theaters in which it is playing and cause a demand for a wide release, as it should have been to begin with. The second you are able, see this movie. Its about time you get to applaud an original project that is so good, you'll call it art.

The Warrior's Way Review

In the past few years, we have seen resurgence in two seemingly lost film genres. One would be the classic Western. The other, the epic Kung Fu spectacle. You may have been thinking The Warriors Way endeavors to combine these two winning themes into an exciting new beast, but the film’s creators have a bit more in store for you. Add a heaping spoon full of French art film oddity and the quirky, slightly over the top imagery of a pulp comic book thrust into reality and NOW you are a little closer to the end result. Is this the bastard offspring of a spaghetti western, Asian mythological wire fighting epic and lushly colored foreign art house indie film three-way? Pretty much! Yea!

The Warriors Way opens on Yang (Dong-gun Jang), the greatest swordsman who ever walked the Earth. His clan has been in constant battle with a rival clan and now, with countless bodies strewn about his feet, he looks into the eyes of the child that is the last of his enemies’ offspring and has a change of heart. Now he must leave behind the life he once knew, as becoming protector of the enemy makes him the target of his own clan. The journey takes our new hero to America and a burned up, dried out, falling over, sleepy little CGI town of nowheresville (my name not theirs) populated by circus folk struggling to survive. I’ll allow you a moment to let that sink in and add they are led by a little person named 8 Ball (Tony Cox) whose own special brand of kung fu involves attacking the groin of his enemy with furious anger and a steel grip. Sorry for that bit of spoiler, but if that alone isn’t the hook that gets you into the theater to see this movie, I don’t know what is! Also in the town is the one pretty girl with all her teeth; Lynne (Kate Bosworth), who survived the brutal death of her family and is now just counting the seconds until she can take revenge. It’s also important to mention that Lynne is the real life embodiment of the spitfire cowgirl from Toy Story…but with knives. We’ve also got Geoffrey Rush as the comical town drunk with a mysterious past.

Yang is adopted by this oddball town and becomes their laundry man (ahhh..stereotypes are fantastic!), forging friendships with the people within... especially Lynn who seems a kindred spirit. Yang can appreciate her urge for revenge and trains her in the ways of the sword while slowly allowing his heart to open for the first time in his life. Of course, it is only a matter of time before the marauding band of cowboys led by the murderous, raping Colonel (Danny Huston) will return to shoot the place to holy hell…or will the clan of assassins known as the Sad Flutes rain down on the town with ninja wrath before they can get there?

At this point you must be thinking “What a fucking mess”, but this clashing of imagery against an ultra stylistic backdrop is becoming common place. Hell the trailer for Sucker Punch has giant Samurai, dragons, robots AND World War 2 fighter planes and I’m still insanely optimistic! Once you’ve accepted that The Warriors Way is very much ripped from the ethereal pages of some comic book fever dream, the lush colored skies make perfect sense as backdrop to a town of dirty circus folk! The real miracle is that the over the top themes never go so far as to tread into “Wild Wild West” or “The Spirit” territory. Our main hero is quiet and thoughtful with a thousand mile stare…exactly what you’d want in a killer swordsman/ western hero. In counterpoint, our primary bad guy (the Colonel) is just the right amount of despicable, murdering rapist (if there is such a thing) as not to be a drooling psychopath chewing up every scene and sprouting giant mechanical spider legs in the finale. He doesn’t look for laughs, doesn’t do an evil guy dance, doesn’t scream into the camera every five minutes and doesn’t turn red with rage to the point that the veins in his neck stand out. He is the perfect bad guy who you will be happy to see die in a horrible way, when the time comes. These days, it’s a miracle they pulled that off in a movie like this!

Acting is more than adequate throughout this sort of misfit adventure. As ridiculous as each character that comes along may be, they remain completely believable. This made me think of movies like “City of Lost Children” where a character will walk up to you in clown makeup, for no apparent reason, and stare at you, unflinching, until you say “Ok..I buy it.” This helps to create a complete pocket universe where you care about the characters in peril and continue to wish for their safety even through the more talky moments of the film. Kate Bosworth practically steals the movie by pushing the typical tomboy cowgirl role so far it seems she’s thrown a dash of Scarecrow from “The Wizard of Oz” into her waggly, hyper active performance. Even when the story forces her to show the slightest bit of sex appeal to lure the bad guys to their doom, she comes off like a pre-teen with no mothering influence that got a pastel makeup kit for Christmas. The term “Hot Mess’ is even pushing it. Between Kate, Geoffrey Rush’s lovable drunk (who is kept to a minimum) and 8 Ball, the bad ass little person in a top hat, you’ll have plenty to smile about.

Speaking of smiles…BRING ON THE NINJA VIOLENCE!! When we hear about a movie like this, we immediately expect massive doses of CGI blood, slow motion battle, a helping of bullet time and many a cut away death. While The Warrior’s War does include all of the above, you barely see those CGI sprays and what replaces it is oddly artistic for this movie. The battles look fantastic. Without giving too much away, I’ll just say the film’s creators have made the most of the ninja mythos and have them leaping and flying in every way possible while, astoundingly, keeping them human and therefore, killable. If ninja bloodshed was the only thing you need to get you in a seat this weekend, consider it covered. If a band of dirty cowboys armed to their nasty, rotting teeth is icing on the cake, then you should be per-ordering your tickets as we speak. All those things are delivered through the skillful eye of a cinematographer and director who know how to set up a scene, keep things fresh and are amazingly adept at amping up the drama before the bodies fall.

You’ve got amazing feats of ninja death dealing, killer costuming you’ll want to mimic come Halloween, ultra stylized imagery, enjoyable acting performances at every turn and a bloody finale that will satisfy every sadistic bone in your body. To be sure, the plot of The Warrior’s Way is as thin as can be with themes we’ve seen time and time again and while the film gets lovably introspective, you’d hardly call it deep. It is execution that makes this genre mash-up an action-packed roller coaster of ninja awesome that’s fun for the whole family, provided the youngest member is at least 13 (lest you’ll be explaining rape on the way home in the car.) Go into the theater programmed for fun and you won’t be disappointed.

SKYLINE Reviewed

After being blown away by the Battle: Los Angeles trailer, international trailer and loooovely screen caps we've presented to you (you're welcome) you are wondering if it is worth it to slip on some comfy pants and head to the movies tonight to see LA get destroyed RIGHT NOW!?! All the answers will be revealed...over at Dread Central.com where I've cleared my throat all over their reviews section. HIT THIS LINK to taste my confusion, awe, pain, spite, rage, confusion again, and hysteria from lack of sleep. If you could bottle it, it would taste like Peach Snapple mixed with Cherry Coke Zero and Hawaiian Punch. Mmm, mm good.

The Last Airbender Movie Review AKA I'm Sick To My Stomach and Want To Hit Something

Before I begin to yell and flail my arms, as we Italians do, I want to put this review in perspective. I LOVE Avatar: The Last Airbender. That cartoon is the greatest animated series ever created. No place else will you see consistently fluid and beautiful animation with a solid style that never gets lazy and flat, like most modern cartoon series. On top of that, the story is extremely well written with every character possessing of a unique personality and evolution that moves in a logical and satisfying arc into the third and final season. Speaking of which, the finale of this show remains the most amazing and satisfying finishes I’ve ever seen on TV, both visually and mentally. Even the music used in each ending battle sequence is a work of art. For someone to turn a series like this into a live action movie, they’ve got to have great respect for the source material and realize all the tools they need for a successful film are right there. In a perfect world, that might have happened.

That didn’t happen.

Aang is the reluctant Avatar, destined to achieve mastery of Earth, Air, Fire and Water with a talent called “bending” in which the user does 15 minutes of lavish Kung Fu moves to get fire to jump up at their opponent or water to smack them upside the head. He is young, so when the time comes for him to take his place in the world, he runs away and becomes locked in a block of ice for 100 years. By chance, Sokka and Katara of the Southern Water Tribe find Aang and free him, but the reality of the future he has stumbled into is a grim one. The Fire nation has decided the world would be a better place under their rule alone and has created an army of machines to help them accomplish the task. Now Aang must master all 4 bending forms and along the way, inspire the people to rise up against the fire nation to bring peace back to the planet.

The Last Airbender is such a mess; it is upsetting for any fan. The contradictions at play with each film making decision are vast and will leave you scratching your head wondering what suit with no knowledge of the popularity of the cartoon got their claws into the mix. This is going to be nitpicky, so I’m warning you in advance, but I need to lay out the odd choices that seem mostly made just to put a stamp of ownership on this new work. Throughout the film, it seems like each major character’s name is pronounced differently from the way we’ve known it. This could be because the film is using more accurate, Asian pronunciations of those names, but the act seems like hypocrisy when you realize there are very few actual Asians in the movie, based on a cartoon taking place on an entire planet of Asians. The dialogue is very slow, with the deliberate intention of a cast recording a Charlie Brown special. Several plot points are repeated seconds after they are revealed, and then reiterated by other characters later in the movie in case your mind wandered into thoughts of ice cream. Mirroring this is the action itself. Every fight scene is shown in slow motion. Like some cruel joke, nearly every moment of bending is also painfully slow, as if we are watching a low budget stage play and have to wait for the men with ropes to lift the actors on their wire rigs and hurl foam boulders at each other. You can chalk this up to those pesky film makers deciding this is a children’s film, so the action must be dialed down as not to frighten kids and give them ideas of going out into the world to Kung Fu their little sisters and Grandpa Joe. The repetition of words can also be blamed on this, as they utilize the proven Teletubbies format for getting children to memorize things. All this is hysterical to me when you realize THE MOVIE IS BASED ON A CHILDREN’S CARTOON THAT PLAYS ON NICKELODEON!!! To dumb down a cartoon which was already safe for kids is nothing short of an asinine act.

Where once (in the original cartoon) there was excellent writing with constant touches of humor and even downright realistic, innocent goofiness from children faced with an oncoming world war, there is now nothing but humorless dramatic weight. To make matters worse, the decision to shove this into a kid’s movie format dictated the amount of time they had to tell a tale that took place in 20 half hour episodes!! The only way to do the source material any sort of justice would have been to take 3 hours per film and let the audience get to know the characters as they confront every amazing obstacle and meet the diverse characters along the way. Instead, we have this breakneck speed which plays out like someone made a montage of their favorite moments from the show and spliced them together with 30 seconds of spoken context to set up a scene. Oddly, the only character we get any emotional depth from is Prince Zuko, who seems like the real focal point of the film, but his often shaky acting will yank you right out of any moment as quickly as it grabs you. We call this the rag doll effect. You leave the theater completely detached and feeling like you’ve wasted your time and money or worse, as if the film maker grabbed your head and shook it around, telling you where you should be looking at all times. All I can say is THANK GOD we watched this in 2D. I can’t imagine the nightmare of fuzzy 3D added to the boredom. I can’t see AND I don’t care? Fantastic.

With wire fighting that would make Jackie Chan spit, pace of action that gets topped by Twilight: Eclipse, humorless children, a “cliff’s notes” reenactment of an epic tale, horrible writing and equally bad acting at every turn, The Last Airbender may go down as the biggest waste of Hollywood cash since someone got the brilliant idea to make a Bullwinkle movie. What we are left with is a fairly pretty picture that translates better in a hardcover book on your coffee table. Flipping through those pages would move the action along faster at any rate. I swear I had Supergirl flashbacks as I watched rock and water float benignly above the ground before gingerly making its way over to the intended target, in no apparent hurry at all. No worries. The Fire Nation soldier will wait there to get hit with it. It takes a lot of ego to make a movie this bad from a TV series applauded across the planet. I should probably be angry that a new generation of children won’t be able to enjoy the stories in a different format, but screw it. They can buy the DVDs half price on Amazon.com and you can be sure they’ll release them all on Blu-ray in time. Even if you aren’t partial to cartoons, watch the original series and you’ll be hooked after 5 episodes. IGNORE the movie at all costs and let their failure show Hollywood you can present intelligent, mature subject matter to kids if you pepper it with action and fun and they’ll eat it up and beg for more.

A Butt Numbing Robin Hood Movie Review

Throughout my life, many people have retold the story of Robin Hood through film, TV and, my favorite, the classic Daffy Duck cartoon. It’s been a long time since Kevin Costner refused to use an accent as he took his turn with the bow and arrow, and since people in the states know little about the UK TV series (out on DVD now up to season 3 if you’re interested), the idea of an updated telling was widely accepted, especially with names like Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe attached. The film makers promised a truer version of the legendary story, and as they spoke these words, I could not help but remember the doldrums of 2004’s King Arthur, which was also touted to be factual…and very dull. It’s probably a funny comparison, but like the recent updating of A Nightmare on Elm Street, we’ve learned adding heaps of reality in a movie doesn’t always equal a good time.

Quick warning: There’s really no way to sum up this film without a few minor spoilers, so be warned!

We begin our tale with Robin Longstride (not as cool as Skywalker, but damn close) at the end of the crusades following King Richard the Lionhearted into battle until his untimely demise. Robin sees this as an opportunity to return home before all the disgruntled soldiers show up demanding payment for their years of service, so along with his merry band of 3, he beats a hasty retreat. Meanwhile, the film’s evil bald guy, Godfrey, has aligned himself with the French in a plot to kill the king and throw the country into chaos. So it is with auspicious timing that Robin and his men come across the ambush and ambush the ambushers…with arrows. Remember this because it is the last time you’ll see Robin hold his trademark bow and arrow for quite some time.

Now, clothed as knights, the merry men return to England to deliver the crown and be on their way with all the gold they took off the ambushees and ambushers, respectively, but Robin has one more task. It was the dying wish of brave knight Robert of Loxley that Robin deliver his sword to his father, and since we have 2 more hours to fill, off he goes. Upon delivering said sword he is convinced to take on the persona of Loxley so that Marion (Cate Blanchett) can keep her lands …and the people rejoice. YAY. At this point, you realize there’s a lot of story unfolding here and as you check your watch to try and figure out how long it will take to unfold and WHEN the people might actually run to the forest beginning their new lives as bandits, as promised in the trailer, we are dumped back into the royal’s plot. Prince John (looking waaay too much like the lion in the Disney cartoon to NOT be funny) is now King John and gives his good friend Godfrey the power to hit up the northern country for “taxes”, which he does with his Frenchie ninja squad. When I say hit, I mean that quite literally. Cue the Wilhelm Scream.

Five rowdy medieval times songs and four village dance parties later, we’ve only seen one raid on rich travelers to benefit the poor of Loxley amid the very slow, forced, inevitable romantic entanglement between Robin and Marion. It’s clear the film makers were trying to create something akin to Braveheart, but the empathy for these characters required just isn’t there to turn epic length to epic story telling. Crowe is very one note all through this film with a dour expression nailed to his face, even when standing before his new love. Blanchett saves the film a bit with quick wit and excellent acting ability, but she can’t get the job done alone. Robin’s merry men are barely introduced as Little John and Will Scarlet..and..that other guy who spends most of the film playing a medieval guitar like a rock star and bellowing out tunes to make the village lady’s dresses fall off. They’ve got MILES of charisma but are given very little screen time to pull it off. Then you’ve got William Marshal (William Hurt) who walks through the film as if he’s wondering why the hell they bothered to put him in a costume. Completely wasted talent there. This leaves us with King John and Godfrey, in separate parts of the film, off being evil asses in their own special way, but neither doing it with enough evil or flair to create a truly memorable screen villain.

Did I mention this film was 2 and a half hours?? TWO AND A HALF HOURS of dancing and courting and witty remarks and by the time we get to any sort of game changing battle, we realize there is still a war coming, as was advertised in the trailers!! It’s obvious the film makers put their heart and soul into this film, assuring the authenticity of an epic period piece. If there was any CGI in scenes, I never caught it. Just watching the horses charge into battle against the French, you’ll have cash registers sounding off in your head as it becomes obvious they spent a great deal on those shots. Never the less, without the emotional content to grab your audience by the heart strings, it’s all just pretty pictures. Granted, these are fantastically shot pretty pictures, but if you can’t keep a guy like me smiling (who loves anything medieval and is particularly enamored with the Robin Hood tale), then you’ve done something wrong. As it stands, all I'm left with now is the title song from the Costner version echoing in my head. I don't know why.

By the movie’s end, our characters are finally in the forest after King John has ushered his trailer bellow branding Robin an outlaw, and I shake my head knowing that NOW starts the movie I’d signed up to see. Robin Hood’s claims of factual accuracy even fall away as a number of liberties are taken for the sake of more dramatic turns. I won’t name these, as I’ve spoiled enough, but suffice to say they’ll make you laugh, unintentionally. Robin Hood remains an adequate medieval story of love and loss and would have made for an excellent History Channel TV series with hungry actors in the leads, but as a tedious 2 and a half hour film, only the relentless hype can save its opening weekend.

Kick-Ass Movie Review

Some movies seek to deepen the human experience and leave an audience enlightened to a higher state of being. Other movies transcend film with color and light, experimenting with all common elements of a movie until the end result is more like a beautiful painting and is to be seen as nothing more. Then, there’s Kick-Ass, the dirty half brother of all of these who does an amazing array of acrobatics to the thunderous applause of a New York City street audience and ands the display by landing atop a nearby mugger and twisting his head off. The blood sprays forth in classic Japanese fashion, drenching all those standing in front. Some people walk away in disgust. Some vomit immediately. Others clap even louder and with enthusiasm.

Kick-Ass is one answer to the eternal geek question of “Why don’t people dress up as super heroes and fight crime?” Seriously, the math on this conundrum by itself is astounding if you take the number of people who read comics and then figure the number of masked super heroes out there right now handing out sandwiches to the homeless. Shouldn’t there be crime fighters in the news daily? Dave Lizewski ponders this very question long and hard before donning a scuba suit and mask and taking to the streets, only to have his ass handed to him on his first attempt. Lesson number 1: Being a super hero hurts.

Before long, Kick-Ass gets into the swing of things and after one viral video of his heroics; he’s a hit, catching the eye of the criminal underworld as well as fellow super bad-asses Big Daddy and Hit Girl. Do the trio band together and run off into the night to make the world a safer place for democracy? Yes and no. Kick-Ass explores the nature of human beings and how they react to an increasingly violent world. In this case, they slip on a mask and fight back. Dave picks up two batons and with little more than sit ups and dulled nerve endings to assist him, he tries to do a little good. For Big Daddy and Hit Girl, its more about revenge. The solution to stopping crime is a bullet between the eyes, a knife to the guts and general dismemberment. After all, it’s hard to deal crack to kids if you’ve got no legs.

While Kick-Ass is not short on social commentary, it doesn’t take a pause to point out the message and let it sink in…for there are many bad guys to kill horribly and only so much screen time to squeeze it in. By day, characters exchange witty banter that will keep you laughing throughout, weather from the direct sarcastic humor of Dave and his dorky friends or the over the top, nearly psychotic banter between Big Daddy and Hit Girl. You’ll also get a healthy dose of hysterics from the cartoonish Italian mobsters who split the difference with equal parts A! OH! mob slapstick and crackerjack comedic timing draped over a bit of ultra violence. Speaking of which, to say Kick-Ass is bloody is an understatement. I find it hysterical that people are more appalled with 11 year old looking Hit Girl’s use of the word CUNT than in her ability to scale a grown man and use his own gun to shoot him through the top of his head. What a world we live in. Through it all, the violence is so over the top most of the time, and squarely directed at the baddest of the bad, that you’ll find fellow movie goers laughing just as much at the arterial spray as they did the one liners. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that Hit Girl is a genius at killing, running up walls and redirecting gunfire like a midget Jackie Chan in a purple wig. You’ll leave the theater anxious to twitter your demands for an all Hit Girl movie follow up!

Some have said that Kick-Ass is the furthest extent of geek worship splashed upon a screen for the amusement of the most idiotic of our nation. To them, I say you clearly know nothing about the genre, and much less about the comic buying public. Kick-Ass is not a very well known title, so to say people are flocking to screens to see if the adaptation holds true as we did for Hulk and Iron Man is laughable. Most people who put Kick-Ass on their must see list saw a trailer with funny gags and Hit Girl saying cunt and yelled SOLD! How different is this film from the last Rambo which had body parts launched skyward at every opportunity? I’d say it is even tamer than most action films where the hero finds himself framed and then kills several cops making a get away. I’ll also argue that comics today have some of the best writers working in any medium and churn out projects far superior to 80% of TV and film on a weekly basis. Go read DC’s Identity Crisis or Top Cow’s Midnight Nation or even some of the finer moments of Marvel’s New Avengers and tell me I’m wrong. To dismiss a film for being dumb and violent is one thing. Saying it is the dimmest product of mouth breathing comic people is insulting.

All ranting aside, Kick-Ass is a damn good time. It’s a bit troubling to hit the theaters and see empty seats, even after piles of positive reviews and stellar word of mouth. It all comes down to this. If you want to laugh, have your jaw dropped by amazing stunt work, heart strings tugged on sufficiently and flinch like you might actually get punched in the head at any moment without the aid of 3D trickery to convince you, Kick-Ass is your perfect date.

Zombieland Blu-ray Review

In our wide world of horror there has been no shortage of films about the terminally hungry undead. We've had tales of love and loss, comedies and those purporting to be, serious apocalyptic dramas, pseudo-political pieces and ... whatever it is the Day of the Dead movies are. There is no end in sight so as Hollywood churns out their dead, it becomes less about original ideas and more about execution. Zombieland is most definitely not re-inventing the wheel, but I can say with no hesitation that it’s the funniest zombie tale since Shaun of the Dead.

Zombieland is the story of the broken survivors of an undead Armageddon. It is also the tale of a life not yet lived until everyone else has died. Lucky for us, very little time is spent on these deep, dramatic themes and emo sentimentality. In its place we get pure, unadulterated zombie killing bliss wrapped up in what can only be described as a parody of your basic coming of age teen comedy. Ohio (Eisenberg) is the prerequisite teen, so named for his desired destination. It’s Ohio who introduces us to the remnants of this decimated civilization, kicking things off with valuable tips to surviving any zombie encounter. This proves an excellent way of showing glimpses of the world going to hell and includes one of the best title sequence montages since The Watchmen. I know I'm dishing out some seriously high praise, but it is well deserved.

Ohio makes a beeline for his parent’s home when he runs into the mighty, mighty Tallahassee (Harrelson), who excels in zombie decimation while he scours the earth for his favorite snack cake. Destruction is his business, and to borrow a phrase from the Basterd Pitt, business is a'boomin! Soon the odd couple are joined by two more travelers (one of them being a hotty for Ohio), and the rest of the tale is elementary. Zombies attack and meet a squishy end, Ohio and his hotty flirt with love, hilarity ensues. As they make their way across the US, Tallahasse teaches the band that the world they knew is gone so it’s best to work out those frustrations any way possible, whether that be on abandoned cars, supermarkets, and of course, the cranium of a charging zombie. Some may still be staunch believers that fast zombies suck, but who cares? It’s not like we are getting prolonged chase scenes. When the Z boys come running, heads explode. What more do you need?

Comedic timing is near perfection in Zombieland, backing up the obvious fun of human-on-zombie violence with many a moment of gut busting hilarity. Woody Harrelson proves he’s still got the chops to leave us in stitches if he’s given the opportunity to shine while Jesse Eisenberg will most likely be described as “like that kid from Juno and Year One ... only funny.” It’s boyish/geeky charm alongside the badass yet vulnerable killing machine who is just a bit dim. When the party is joined by home town bad girl Wichita and her sister Little Rock, we’ve got a dysfunctional family for the world’s end. You’ll love every second of it. It’s a joy to watch a film that seems to get everything right, has an audience howling with laughter to the point where you have to struggle to hear the lines that follow a gag, and STILL provides some extra gory eye candy for the horror fan who said, “You had me at Zombie.” The running undead look fantastic and are dispatched in a never-ending, ever-evolving innovative shopping list of carnage. You’ll applaud every crunch. Zombieland is a killer comedy with a vicious sense of humor.

When a movie is this much fun we want the Blu-ray release to be jam packed with extras. Zombieland does not skimp. First up is a commentary track with Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg, director Ruben Fleischer, writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernic! Pretty normal fare there. Next we have a picture in picture feature which shows you how key scenes were made in a little box while the scene plays around it, with the use of the original footage, computer generated models or story boards. Some of these moments also include the crew talking about the scene and the original audio track! Awesomely fun stuff. With the "In Search of Zombieland" and "Zombieland is your Land" featurettes, you'll get every ounce of "making of" goodness you desire with zombie makeup application, acting and theory, weapons firing, stuntmen taking flight and bloody zombie kiddies tearing it u. Visual Effects Progression Scenes show raw footage transformed into a bloody mess by Hollywood sorcerers. Deleted scenes can be skipped. This is one instance where you can instantly tell why they didn't make the final product. Just extra useless bits. Theatrical promo trailers RULE! No idea where these were used, but they feature Ohio and Tallahassee answering questions from people about things in the movie and zombie dos and don'ts. These are my favorite bits from the extras. You'll be happy to hear that most of these items are also available on the DVD version, so those without the Blu need not cry..for once!

Edge of Darkness Review

It’s a seemingly harmless, touching moment. An aging father and his grown daughter reuniting. The too seem to love each other very much, making the visual all the more cookie cutter for a film…until the daughter is on the receiving end from the blast of a shotgun at close range on the front porch. The act is so jarringly violent in contrast to the tenderness we had seen before that you know they’ve got you for the duration. With Mel Gibson at the wheel, you know its time to buckle up.

Edge of Darkness is the tale of what comes next. The grizzled police detective sets off to find his daughter’s killers, using every dirty trick and professional skill he’s picked up and honed over the years to uncover a trail when it seems there was none. Gibson plays the part with no shortage of excellence. In one scene, you can see him appear robotic from the shock of his daughter’s death but still driven to justice. A second later, as he appeals to her contacts for information, he looks on the verge of emotional collapse and then, in an instant, he shoves that pain deep down and terrorizes someone for the clues he needs. It is insanity, and breathtaking to watch. This is rip your heart out material that allows you to cheer every time Mel sticks a gun up against someone’s head, turning them into a quivering mess. Even when the bad guys try to strong arm him, you know you are mere moments away from someone getting a beat down. SATISFACTION!!

Gibson and Winstone steal the entire movie, with wit and charm, excellent chemistry and timing and a twinkle in their eye for their impending, messy works. All around them, you’ll be astonished by the top notch acting from every single character they come across…from the despicable corporate scum to the nervous cop in the wrong place at the wrong time. It is this amazing display that saves the film from the plot holes and weak writing that could have made this a confusing collection of bloody kills and screaming.

My first gripe will be an obvious one. From the trailer, you know Gibson’s character Craven is going to uncover some conspiracy that leads to his daughter’s ultimate silence. As soon as he began to catch on to the real story, don’t you think his car would have blown up? We do not get that moment where he narrowly avoids death as some beat cop starts his vehicle for him. Instead, he’s chased by two of the most inept killers these kinds of movies could conjure. You could argue that Craven is just that good…or you could say the writing falls flat. Countless times, Craven should be dead, but is left to continue his investigation. Further viewing may have you yelling at the screen like a child watching Dora the Explorer. Gibson would turn to the screen and say.. “Do YOU know what killed my daughter?” We scream “IT’S OVER THERE!!” Gibson then gingerly goes through the paces of “uncovering” the clue we’d caught onto 10 minutes ago and then wonder why he isn’t getting his cop buddies to help. Inconsistencies abound, plot holes turn into gaping chasms and the film wraps up in the most convenient ways possible. If you are a stickler for logical, coherent story telling, this movie may drive you mad.

At the end of the 117 minutes, the director has taken you through the paces at break neck speed with amazing acting all around, and that’s enough to hold you tight and leave you smiling. As your attention is firmly clamped down, you are inundated with some shockingly violent moments that are akin to someone sneaking up next to you and screaming in your ear. You'll be on the edge of your seat, and then jumping out of it! Your heart will break one minute and you’ll cheer the next as Gibson serves up deliciously satisfying vengeance. It seems to be the case lately that weak scripts are saved by the fun factor of the content and those who pull it off with almost magical expertise. It’s a glamour, to be sure, but isn’t that what movie making should be? While I ache for some amazing, original writing, I suppose I can be content with the occasional mis-step amid the doldrums of drek flanked on either side (AKA most of the rest of the films.) Edge of Darkness surely has it’s flaws, but when your cast gives 110 percent and the director and cinematographer sync up to take you on the wildest ride possible, you can’t lose.

Legion Review

In the beginning God created light and the heavens and the earth and the little fuzzy animals and human beings. On the 8th through the 2,000th days, humans created tax shelters, beer helmets, crack cocaine, Armani dog carrier handbags, the “dirty sanchez” and Showgirls. By the 2,600th day Heidi Montag had turned herself into a blow-up doll with a heartbeat and super blinking action. God had had enough. Having lost faith in the human race, he sends his angels down from heaven to wipe us from the planet. The angel Michael refuses to end his love affair with the hairless monkeys (us), so he speeds down to Earth to head off the attack and attempt to save the human race. Apparently our fate rests in the small, chubby hands of an unborn child. Wait. What??

A young unwed, orange-skinned chain smoker is about to give birth to the savior of humanity. Before the angel arrived, her only protector was a boy named Jeep. I wish I were kidding. Was his momma named Toyota? Oooooo snap. Jeep Hanson (Black), born inexplicably with the only Southern accent in the film, lives with his twitchy, grumbling father Bob (Quaid) at a diner/gas station in the middle of nothing ... the perfect staging ground for THE APOCALYPSE!! How do we know it’s the Apocalypse? They say it on the radio ... and the radio never lies.

At any rate, God sends his “dogs of heaven” to smite the human race, but instead of the host of angels cutting people to ribbons, they posses the weak-minded, which makes their head do that shaky Jacob’s Ladder thing, turns their eyes black and makes their teeth pointy. WHYYYYYYY?! They then drive out to the Paradise Falls Diner, park their cars and attack the building for three minutes. Never has there been a more ineffectual, collective baddie in a film. You’ll get one token angel in Gabriel (naturally), and that’s all she wrote.

Legion proceeds to offend your eyes and ears for the next 100 minutes, making the ordeal feel like three hours, no doubt using angel magic. Half the movie is ridiculously predictable, complete with a gun-packing, rap-blasting Tyrese, British sounding angels and the punk rock possessed. The other half is so wildly unpredictable, and yet badly written, that you’ll either cry for mercy or laugh your head off. As the story drudges on, offering zero scares and an achingly confusing plot, there’s a sudden shift in perspective, making the previous storyline pointless. What you are left with is a sort of Bible thumping Terminator-esque fiasco begging for sequels that, God willing, will never come. Even a scene of frantic angel Kung Fu can’t save this madness.

Acting performances vary GREATLY. Quaid seems to have been told to play a curmudgeony old man who just gave up the drink. That’s the only reason I can see for this crinkly faced, lurching performance. We all know the man can act and does it very well. There’s no excuse for this. He may as well have not been in the film at all. Black has been set to “brood” and allowed little else. Bettany is believable enough for his part, but no amount of acting ability can change the words coming out of his mouth. There’s no coming back from bad writing. That’s really all you need to know. Palicki’s pregnant Charlie character may be unsympathetic and Tyrese can attempt to act his ass off while playing the most horrific stereotype you could imagine, but they can’t change the way they were written. It’s a complete disaster.

The cinematography of Legion strives to be epic but amounts to a collection of pretty paintings. An oncoming cloud of ... something. An angel stretching its wings toward the heavens. An army of the possessed waiting in the mist. These are striking images by themselves, but when we string them together, project them forward and fold them into the plot, they are pointless and fleeting reminders of what could have been. Was I wishing they’d handled the plot differently? No. The plot makes very little sense and is highly unoriginal. It’s the visual of an angel taking flight that begs further exploration. Maybe by the third film we will have seen the all-out angel on human war the premise promised. It would take a major miracle for that to happen after this train wreck hits the screens.

It is unclear where the creators of Legion went wrong. Was there once a coherent film that was cut to hell by the editor’s axe? Did they start with a deeply dramatic screenplay and rewrite it into typical American action/horror drek? Does it matter? The finished product is shockingly bad. If countless angles of people firing guns with spent shells clinking to the ground is all your heart yearns for, then Legion may be your ideal Saturday night. Hoping for anything more is an exercise in futility. Spare yourself the agony.

LEGION Review Up on Dread Central

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The Final Destination Blu-ray Review

Head over to Dread Central and find out if The Final Destination on Blu-ray is terrifying 3D fun or the same old clap trap.

The Final Destination in 3-D is available on DVD and Blu-ray NOW.

Youth In Revolt Review

Finally, someone has made a teen rebellion movie for your parents!

Michael Cera is back with another laugh out loud, eye tearing gut splitter. Note the sarcasm. Nick Twisp spends his days servicing himself, discussing male genitalia with other males and generally living at the mercy of his mother who is partial to losers. A twist of fate sends him on an abrupt vacation and throws him in the path of Sheeni who is searching for her very own French bad boy, like other 40 yr old women trapped in 16 yr old bodies. Now the commercials suggested that this is a tale of unrequited love, with Nick instantly cast into the "friend zone" due to his overly nice, safe nature. The actual plot has Nick falling in love with Sheeni, who does willingly make out with him and seems genuinely interested. Go figure. Eventually, Nick is forced to return home and hatches a plan to commit dirty deeds in the hopes his mother will kick him out and force him to move in with his father, putting him closer to Sheeni. To be able to actually pull off something "bad", he creates a sort of swishy Giligan's Island character to channel his inner nasty. Seriously, how awkwardly dorky do you have to be that THIS is your evil alter ego??!!

Yes, the silver bracelet, white, high waisted pants and pencil thin mustache are pretty bad ass. He looks like Tyler Durden's kid touching cousin who owns several small dogs and obsesses over a stamp collection. It's like they got the idea for "Francois" after watching Tony Curtis in "Some Like It Hot." All he's missing is the ascot and captain's hat.

The film drones on with moments the creators want you to identify as hysterical by pausing so you don't miss a minute of the fun amid the gails of laugh. Maybe half a laugh. Lau. Inexplicably, we are treated to odd animation throughout, cementing the thought that this probably would have been an art house indie 5 years ago. Instead, we get in impressive cast delivering horrible dialogue, the bulk of which sounding like bizaro versions of Diablo Cody characters. Instead of talking in freaky made-up twin speak, they force out 5 dollar words like Americanized Jane Austen characters.

The actors can't be blamed for the unrelenting boredom. Cera seems perfect for this role and is all the Cera he can be. The rest of the cast isn't unlikeable or inadequate, either. It's simply, completely unfunny, lacking any moments that would..say...ENTERTAIN an audience. What segment of America they were targeting with this one note fiasco is beyond me. Youth In Revolt is American Pie for 60 year old people. It's Fight Club for the geriatric set. When you can't muster laughs with Zach Galifianakis, Steve Buscemi and Fred Willard on your team, it's time to rethink your process.