Thursday, November 13, 2014

Ladies and Gentlemen....Underoos Have Returned

It is clear we are living in a golden age of geekiness when our movies take the top grosses at the box office, folks proudly display their fully tattoo'd bodies covered in characters from Marvel, Star Wars, My Little Pony and the like, and our favorite properties from childhoods past are celebrated with new toys that are released every damn week, assuring we will be forever poor in cash, but rich in awesome junk. Speaking of junk....HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BACK YOUR JUNK UP INTO SOME ADULT SIZED UNDEROOS??!! It's time to make some dreams come true....

I'm told Hot Topic's cache of Underoos started popping up around Halloween time (when most of you were dressing like slutty mice), but you'll forgive my lateness on this report as I barely ever venture into that bastion of tight back clothing lest I risk exiting thinking black eyeliner is a good look for me. Suffice to say, a tip from an awesome girl at the Trenton Punk Rock Flea Market had me in full search mode for an Oogie Boogie winter hat; a need so mighty I ventured to THE MALL.. and while seeking out the most awesome of head gear, found little pieces of my youth nestled in the corner, silently calling to my privates. 

With a bit of research, I found that Fruit of the Loom had abandoned most of their licensed undies, but only recently licensed the Underoos name to a brave group of forward thinkers who knew full well we'd freak the hell out if we saw the retro packaging in stores again....AND FREAK I DID! Had the price tag not been $24.99, I would be wearing Skeletor Underoos as we speak. Not today....but soon....and often.


I'm reading these new retro Underoos are a limited release to Hot Topic stores with a lineup including He-Man and Skeletor from The Masters of the Universe, Batman, Batgirl, Wonder Woman, Superman and Harley Quinn repping DC Comics and lonely Captain America as the sole representative of mighty Marvel. Hot Topic online has these discounted to if you've got to have them all, that's the way to go.

Of course, this sparse collection will not do. I need more.


9. KRUMM FROM AHH! REAL MONSTERS (eyeballs on the on the briefs)
8. FREDDY KRUEGER (sweater print t shirt, brown tidies)
7. THE THING FROM MARVEL COMICS (orange stone print t shirt, blue tidies..think about it..just about everyone cooler would have a boring, done to death match up..unless it's GROOT...)
6. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (Jack Burton's tank print on the T, blue jean pattern for the tidies that say "shake the pillars of heaven" across the butt)
3. DEADPOOL (belt buckle logo on the crotch)
2. KANTI FROM FLCL (in the brown jacket with black wings on the back printed on the t shirt)
1. SPIDER-MAN (yeaaa..i know he's done a billion times...but the old school 60's cartoon design on Underoos that would contain my manhood would be AWESOME.)

Go forth and seek out your undies...and tell all the Hot Topic kids Idle Hands sent ya.

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